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Practice

Saturday 8March08 12:26pm

Some of the pieces I have added to my daily practice include which began on my writing retreat:

Rumi Wakeup – I got this from Wayne Dyer’s book Inspiration, Your Ultimate Calling (one of my favorite books). He discusses that time in the early morning when you wake up (between 3am and 4am) and you don’t have to get up. The thing is to actually get up. It’s based on a Rumi poem that says something along the lines of, “The morning breeze has something to tell you, don’t go back to sleep.” I’m not always religious about it because I love sleeping but eventually I will be. I love the 4am hour for its peacefulness. I do stream of consciousness writing and record my dreams from the night before.

I do the Adi Mantra from Kundalini Yoga – Ong Na Mo Guru Dev Namo. Which means I bow to the Creator, to the Divine teacher within. From that I move into my stretches and a Kundalini Yoga set and another chant. I’m slowly starting to add 15 minutes of silence, that I want to do twice a day before I write. It’s kind of hard to sit silent for 15 minutes straight but I’ll get it. As Quincy Jones would say, “It’s ragged but I’ll get it.”

I’ve been doing a couple of writing exercises to get the words flowing. One is from 30 Ways to Help You Write by Fran Weber Shaw, which I used to do years and years ago. You write “Now I’m Sitting Here and…” at the top of the page, then relax all the muscles in your body and listen to the sounds. Then you write nonstop for two or three pages and stop. That was how I used to do all of my writing, so needless to say, I’m getting back to beginner’s mind as Natalie Goldberg so aptly calls it.

And another exercise that I got from a writing newsletter where you write down three random words like ‘pimps, women, black music’ and with those words write a scene for my novel. You basically come up with three words for 15 scenes of your novel and write each scene starting the first sentence with one of those words and including the other two words in the first paragraph. I guess it gets your mind away from thinking about how to start. It’s crazy but it works.

I also write a series of affirmations in my steno from an article I read on manifestation in Mind Power News, an email newsletter that I receive. I’ll look for the article and post it. Basically it’s 4 affirmations: 1- What I am doing now (some goal that I want to realize) 2- How I support myself in realizing that goal 3- The good feelings I have for realizing that goal and 4- A Thank You to the Universe or God.

And overall, I’m enjoying the abundance I already have in my life. I have books galore and enough inspirational CD’s and meditation tapes and CD’s to cure all of Toronto. Ha Ha! So I’m making it a point to listen to and enjoy what I have. I belong to the Spiritual Cinema so I have all these great movies and short films. I’m building a DVD collection because my breakfast buddy buys me DVD’s for birthdays and Christmas. And Music? Well anyone who knows me knows I have an insane amount of music, what with working at Sam’s years ago and having that itunes addiction and importing anyone’s music collection that I can. And I also belong to Simply Audio so I have a decent amount of audio books. If I didn’t leave my house for a year I still wouldn’t make it through all the stuff I have. And with my comfy bed? Praise God I am blessed!

I’ll see if I can find the manifestation article…

SW

Building Momentum

8March08 Saturday 11:46am
It’s another snowy day in Toronto. I can’t believe how much snow we’ve had this year. Most people are complaining but I don’t really have much to complain about. I really do enjoy when we have distinct seasons. It always bodes well for the Summer. You have to live through the dark in order to enjoy the light, or something like that.

I am finally feeling like I’m living in more light and less dark, which is always a good thing. And the best part is that I’m feeling grateful for the light. So snow schmoe, no worries!

I made it past another birthday. I wasn’t sure how that was going to pan out since the money is still funny from the big pain of 2007. I had no ideas what to do for my birthday and I was contemplating letting it pass by unmentioned. My friend frogs legs had the brilliant idea to go to Southern Accent for eats and a psychic reading on Feb 29th, the day before my birthday (otherwise known as my alternate birthday). It was six women and a very cute, flirty server and lots of laughs. My girlfriend Jojo provided most of the entertainment regaling us with her stories. It was great being in the company of all strong minded women. And the psychic reading was stellar! That never hurts. Plus what she said fell in line with my goals for my personal 2008, which began on March 1st. The night was ended with a few hours of Karoake, the Carpenters (Thanks frogs legs), much laughter and a promise to do that shit again!

On the Wednesday before my birthday, I had the brainwave to extend my weekend and turn it into a writing retreat in my apartment. That I could afford. I used to do them periodically but with the big pain of 2007 and all the other dramas it sort of fell by the way side and then some. All of a sudden I was super excited about my birthday. I worked on my itinerary (writing, meditations, juices and healthy foods, inspirational CD’s, and mild workouts like stretching and Kundalini Yoga). It was a fantastic weekend which helped me to ground myself, get back in touch with my novel in progress and make a commitment to the practice of Kundalini Yoga. After several years of following/reading Guru Rattana’s New Millenium Being and doing some of the chants she recommends in it and really feeling the benefits of it, I found that it was time to make it my daily practice.

My three day weekend was a perfect way to build momentum for my goals and get away from the chatter. I didn’t watch television, no telephone and no internet (although I did go on Facebook a couple times to check out the birthday wishes, but it was mere moments.) On the Monday, I went to the book store and bought Kundalini Yoga, The Flow Of Eternal Power by Shakti Parwha Kaur Khalsa as taught by Yogi Bhajan. And I went on to itunes to buy various versions of the mantras that I wanted to practice. I burned a couple CD’s of the mantras. I’ve been sleeping during the week with the main CD on and find that I have calmer, more peaceful sleeps and I feel more able to deal with the frustrations that come up at work and in life. So it’s all good.

My next thing to save up for is the offerings at Guru Rattana’s website www.yogatech.com. She has packages with DVD’s and books that I would sure love to order. I’ve been finding that the exercises (sets) that I’ve been doing each day have been relieving my arthritic feet which is a huge bonus. And my writing focus has been great.

Life is always going to have it’s elements of frustrations, I figure, but it’s sure nice to have a practice that helps me to cope without sabotaging relationships or being a total shut in.

SW

Missing in InAction

Monday 24Sept07 5:42pm

Just a quick note to say that I’ve been in pain for close to two months now! I’ve got carpal tunnel (shouldn’t be typing); tennis elbow (never played tennis a day in my life); arthritis in my shoulder; and degenerative disc disease in my neck.
I’m in excruciating pain most of the time, wearing a wrist brace, icing myself like nobody’s business and can’t do too much for too long especially since I’ve been going to work every single day.

When something happens I’ll be back.
In the meantime, I’m not responding to many emails, can barely write and am not blogging until further notice…

SW

Silence and Waiting

Monday 13Aug07 7:54pm

It’s hard sometimes to sit through the silence. That period when the writing isn’t coming the way it should be and you need to take a break from it. How do you differentiate between laziness and lack of motivation and the writers silence of stuff percolating inside before it explodes out onto the page?

I’ve been writing. I write pretty much everyday. But I’ve felt stopped with my novel. I haven’t been able to tell if it was just me feeling lazy or if I actually needed to let things sit in my mind before it all came out the way it was supposed to.

A few days ago I wrote on my other blogs about the feeling that I needed to hibernate and how it’s hit me so early in the year. It usually falls in line with the cold weather. I wrote about how definite ideas are coming clear to me. Like I have to give up watching television and I need to give myself permission to be less sociable without guilt. I said that I felt that I’m at the edge, where I have to ask myself what am I willing to give up in order to realize my dreams.

I promised myself that I would sit down for the new moon (yesterday) and write up the next set of things that I needed to focus on, write up the distractions I needed to sweep out of my life. I needed to make changes once again. That cycle always comes up, the need to make changes.

I set up the piles of books around my apartment that I want to have close by because I knew that when the time came, I’d be grabbing at them. I got home from work today and didn’t turn on the television and I didn’t get distracted with all the little things that normally bog me down. I sat at my desk and I wrote with the goal to just cleanse my mind and from there wrote a memory for one of my novel characters and didn’t stop until I easily hit my 1000 words. I wrote up the continuing line that will run through all three novels. Two months ago, I wrote the questions that the two main characters will attempt to answer throughout the novels. Between that and tonight’s writings, I feel ready to go back over the chapters and rewrite them and shape them with the questions in mind and the continuing line running through them.

And when I was done my thousand words, I pulled out more paper to have my writing conversation with my alter ego, Warrior Woman. She reminded me that when I take the pressure off and make my writing more about play and writing for the sake of writing, I relax enough to get at what it is I want to say. “When you play and make it fun and keep going forward you see how quickly you can fill up the pages with words. How quickly the ideas come together, how time has no meaning.”

She repeated what I’ve been saying to myself lately, “change your thoughts, change your mind.” Which is the title of Wayne Dyer’s latest book, a book I want to get, and something he’s been saying for at least his last couple books.

And she reminded me that every day is a step forward.

I picked up The Power of Intention off one of my piles of books to start over again and in the preface came across this perfectly appropriate quote:
“Anything we can conceive of in our minds — while staying in harmony with the universal all-creating source — can and must come to pass.”

SW

6:30pm

I think I missed 6:30pm. Oh well, I’m here now. Floors mopped, well, most of em. Bitter cats who hate the whole floor mopping thing.

We’re in Leo now. And we’ve got a full moon tomorrow.
Since Leo is all about attention. The King of the jungle and all. So a certain amount of needing to be catered to. That’s often when a leo will get on my nerves, when he/she needs to be catered to. That stuff is tiresome.

But in Leo our focus is to come from the heart. Do what comes from the heart. That’s never a bad idea.

SW

6pm

I forgot that Zelda thinks that cherries are little balls for her to throw around. I left a bowl of cherries on my desk while I went to get my brownies. Found an abandoned cherry on the floor. Brat!

Haven’t moved much since I ate. Might want to mop the floors. Got all my writing on my desk so I’ll be getting to that eventually.

I’ve got everyone craving and subsequently baking brownies over at the Shattered Prayer. Cracks me up to no end. Of course it all started because Richard the Previous and Mojo were having pizza and chicken wings and I was jealous.

Okay I’m going to start with mopping the floors because they can use it and from there rotate between writing a bit and working out a bit. My story and I’m sticking to it.

Now if I could only get rid of this stomach thing that is keeping me slowed down.

I promise eventually I’ll write something with substance. I hope

SW

5:30pm- I’m back!

Okay got turtle brownies, six of em. but no tortellini. Settled for a tandoori chicken leg and a jerk chicken leg instead.

It’s too beautiful outside and not too busy downtown. Maybe every one trekked up to the Beaches for the music festival. Thought occurred to me to go but then always the chance of running into ex boyfriend who was full of googly eyes when I saw him during Mercury Retrograde. Not really in the mood for that.

Why is it that you could live somewhere and never run into people you want to run into but the one person you don’t… that’s the one you see? Maybe the trick is to not want to run into people in order to run into them. Think about that for a while. ha ha.

While I’m at it I think I don’t want to find a bag full of money and I certainly don’t want to meet a dateable guy. ha ha! Hmm.

Andy Garcia is looking too beautiful in Godfather 3. The only reason to watch the movie, even though he is a hot head like Santino.

SW

2:30pm ish

Of course it’s a beautiful sunny and hot day today. I know I complained about the blogathon last year being on such a spectacular day. That’s why I can’t commit to it. The thought of being held hostage inside when it’s so beautiful out is too much to bear. And yet I manage to move exceptionally slow each year on the blogathon Saturday. Funny how that happens.

I’ve got the dress on and am just about ready to walk out the door on the little Daniel and Daniel expedition for turtle brownies. Although my stomach is a mess, I figure I can slap them in the freezer for later better stomach days. Of course you know that I will still have at least one. The only thing is if they have tortellini then I’m in trouble. I love their Tortellini.

I must consider doing a faux blogathon on a cold winter day. I still think that blogging a novel would be fun. Somebody should get on that. ha ha

Okay, the godfather 2 is almost over. Kay has left Michael. Fredo is crying at mom’s coffin. Connie wants to stay close to home now. Soon Fredo will die. Soon part two will be over. Then I will walk to Daniel et Daniel for the goodies. Yeah that’s it.

In the meantime, I’ll get my writing organized on my desk to do some work when I get back. I’d like to be around some people but I love being home too.

If only SW could stay and do the writing while EY goes to get the goodies.

SW

2pm

I was checking facebook and commenting on Shattered Prayer and stuff that my half hour is almost done.

Next is to pull out the writing and get started on that and look at some writing articles and see what I can share here for my faux blogathon. Considering walking to Daniel and Daniel for some turtle brownies. Boy if I only knew how to make those. Then I could save myself the trip. Of course I’d have to motivate myself to make them.

I was telling someone about Growler’s peanut butter pie. I will have to pull out that recipe and make it again. It would be nice to bring it as a gift for his upcoming play. But who am I kidding? It won’t happen.

If I do walk to Daniel and Daniel, I will miss a few entries. Mind you that would count as part of the working out I’m supposed to be doing today. Lord help me and my lazy bones.

SW (EY is sleeping, haha!)

1:30pm

That half hour flies by especially when you’re moving slow.
I’ve got the Godfather 2 on on AMC Tv. I’m a sucker for the Godfather. A young Al Pacino, a young Robert De Niro. How could you possibly choose between the two? And you don’t, they are both there. It’s too bad the 3rd installment sucks the big one but at least Andy Garcia is there for eye candy.

My type, all three men, dark hair/dark eyes. That’s what always sends my heart a flutter!

Enjoying my smoothie. Cleaned some cherries and cut up a cantaloupe. If don’t finish my cantaloupe, the rest of it will go into tomorrow’s smoothie. That’s how it goes.

The four cats have all found spots in the apartment to relax in. All are visible except Zoe who is still in the kitchen cupboard but she shows her face everytime I go into the kitchen. I’ve got all my hand washing clothing soaking. So things do get done in this place but verry very slowly. Plus I’m having some typing issues. Can’t seem to hit the right keys. Hence the double r in very. sigh

EY/SW

1pm – faux blogathon

Just like last year’s faux blogathon, I’m moving slow again.
I managed to make my smoothie. I have added a nice little twist to my smoothies that amp up the vitamins and amp up the taste too.

I’ve been finding that the only carrots that I can eat are mini carrots. The regular carrots always seem to be lacking something. I know that Carrots are filled with all sorts of good stuff so I had been juicing them with my beet juice but was finding that there’s too much stuff at the bottom of the juice. Like sediment, I guess. Grosses me right out. I don’t like juice with pulp and any sediment like stuff just makes me gag.

For whatever reason, I can tolerate more stuff in a smoothie because it’s generally thicker and you don’t really notice pulp or sediment or whatever. I know, I know, I’m just strange. But I’m okay with that. So anyhow, here is my latest smoothie recipe that I’ve been making and loving. I use both a blender and a juice extractor for this one:

In Blender, combine:
thick wedge pineapple
handful or more frozen mixed berries
handful or more frozen cranberries
frozen peaches/kiwis etc
tablespoon whole flax seeds
fill with pomegranate juice (store bought)

Blend til it’s a smoothie (ha ha!)

In Juice Extractor, Juice:
3-4 oranges
2-3 carrots
2-3 apples

mix the orange/ carrot/ apple juice with the smoothie in the blender.
And drink until your hearts content or til it’s all gone.

SW/EY

12:30 pm

Didn’t hear my timer go off. I’ll probably have to carry it around with me. Still haven’t worked out yet and I’m just getting ready to make a fruit smoothie and cut up a fresh cantaloupe to get my system running and keep it cool.

I couldn’t be bothered being the hard ass girl and turned on my AC. Probably why I couldn’t hear my timer.

Any how, my thoughts are filled with catching up with my high school best friend last night after 25 years. The big thing was my letters that I wrote to her and she has kept all these years. Listening to my voice then, what I was thinking about, I could almost have an out of body experience back to my teenage home and all the turmoil. I was surprised that I’d divulged as much as I did about my feelings. It seems in September of 1978 I wrote her a letter every single day. Too funny. I said, “Holy crap, it must have been a bad month for me.”

What a gift it is to almost see the person I was. That’s why people should keep journals for their whole life. Connection to the self. It’s mind blowing. It may be time to pull out my trunk of journals that I’ve kept over the years of living in Toronto. And read my mother’s journals.

The ironic part of all this, is that my character Kali will be keeping a journal through out all the novels of White Wishes. I didn’t even realize how fascinated I am with journals until I spoke to my high school best friend last night. Nor did I even see a connection to myself. Freaky!

SW/EY

12 Noon

I almost forgot about setting a timer. It’s been a year since my last faux blogathon. Plus I’m not totally sure how long I will do this. But I do remember how it gets the brain clicking. What am I going to write about next? The question that flits through the mind while I do other stuff, like put away my laundry and the like.

Fed the cats. Zoe has found a new place to relax where she can see the action unobserved. She’s been hanging out in the cupboard under the kitchen counter. I left that empty ages ago when I kept finding a different cat having a nap in there. Actually I store my Portable AC hose in there when it’s not summer.

What I’d like to do today, aside from offering Che moral blogging support is to work out, work on my novels and eat. Maybe in a bit of a rotation.

It’s the Beaches Jazz festival today, which is a bit of a joke because it’s never jazz, I think. But I don’t know if I’ll make it out there. I would normally rollerblade but I feel like poop. Sometimes the best medicine is just staying home, although I wouldn’t mind being around people today. And I have to say that is a first, saying that I’d like to be around people. Usually I want to get as far away from people as possible.

So I guess things are looking up.

SW

Blogathon time of the year

Well it’s the blogathon again. Last year I stayed up and kept my friend Che of the shattered prayer company while she blogged. Plus I did my faux blogathon. Not sure how much I’ll manage today as I’m not feeling well. But I’m here. Any extra posts will probably be at my Writing Zazen blog

And if any one comes by, go check out Che at the Shattered prayer and give her a shout out and better yet, donate some money.

EY

Jane Fonda

Note: previous entries mentioned in this entry are on my writing2live blog.

Wednesday 5:34pm

Have I said this about a hundred times? I’m slowly going through my tapes and when I get to Inside the Actor’s Studio there is always someone who I think, ‘I don’t have to watch this one. How interesting will so and so be?’ Then I catch the beginning and am engrossed in the whole interview.

Of course that just happened with Jane Fonda. But even better, I watched it this morning and it was so good I rewound the tape to watch it again this afternoon and write notes.

You know so many questions are popping up and out of me lately. Between the Pisces kiss and the subsequent revelations and what made me so mad about it all. I can recall hearing someone saying something along the lines regarding depression that she wanted to make her life less about not being depressed and more about living an intentional life. I can’t remember who said it and I never wrote it down because some things that are said just resonate so wholly within my being that I know I don’t need to write them down. It’s like it inhabits my subconscious in a magnetic sort of way and the right ideas start to stick to me. That’s where my idea for embracing my singleness came from.

I don’t know if I’ve expressed embracing my singleness well enough. It’s not that I don’t want to be with anyone or that I’ve been overly unhappy alone. I basically said to myself, “what if this is the last time, for the rest of my life, that I will be fully alone? How can I make good use of this time and be able to look back with fondness?”

When I was in constant survival mode and I was between jobs I was always so stressed about finding another job that I never enjoyed the time off work. Then when all worked out and I got a new job I’d always wished that I just relaxed enough to enjoy the time. That’s what I’m trying to do now with being single and not having a group of friends to hang out with. Enjoy this time. Discover the things that I really like to do whether I have company or not. Live and enjoy my life despite not having a closet full of money.

Smoking to some extent falls in line with that. There’s something that I feel is missing that smoking fills. It’s something to focus on to take me away from discovering what that void is that needs to be filled. Jane Fonda talks about addiction and the space that is left when you give up an addiction(s).

My early notes from the first viewing were about her discussing, ‘entering my truth’. I had to ask, “what is my truth?” A big question that may take me years to discover a full answer to. Maybe starting off with What do I really feel?

Yesterday morning I caught some police drama on A&E and Anthony LaPaglia’s brother is in it and he’s trying to get his woman to come in but she won’t. I asked out loud, “Why did she bother going there then?” and I felt this ache. I had to ask, What is my ache regarding love? I have one, obviously, but how do I get to the meat of it and past the stories of, “I saw the kind of men my mother was with and what men can do to women” I guess the question is, ‘How do I live MY life now with all the love I have to give and actually give it?’

My madness toward the man and his kiss is that I am coming to realize that I feel good enough about myself that I know that what he is offering is bullshit and that he would think it’s okay to only offer me scraps that you give a dog. And because I can see different points of view, I’m even madder about the fact that he is with a woman who may or may not know that he is giving HER dog scraps. There’s nothing wrong with being a dog but be a single dog and give women the opportunity to say yes or no.

Jane Fonda talked about her first marriage to a man who regularly brought other women into their bed with them. I wrote quickly, “not feeling good enough about yourself enought that you would allow a man to bring another woman into bed with the two of you. Feeling that the only way she could keep this man was to accept that she wasn’t enough for him.”

It’s funny, it always brings me back to what I’ve always said since I was a kid watching my mother, “I’d rather be alone than suffer through that shit for the sake of having a man.”
Jane also said, “It’s in relationships where a loss of voice manifests.”

Ahh! A loss of voice. I write to give myself voice, even if it’s only my eyes that see the words…for now anyway. I leave men when I feel that I can’t express my true voice, what I need, what I want, what I feel is missing. I’ve always wanted to have a relationship, it just so happens, that I’ve needed to be able to hear my voice more than be in a relationship.

With all my insecurities and feelings that I am so fucked up (I’m not denying that I’m not fucked up) I am discovering that I am more than enough. I do not need to be with someone who convinces me that I’m not enough for his own gains. And isn’t there a piece of fiction following a man and a woman through that all? Where the man really sees what he has done to his woman because he could, because she let him, because she didn’t think she was enough to keep him.

It takes me back to that question I blogged several weeks ago, “Can I trust you with my heart?” It’s not that I can’t commit. I can’t commit to feeling not good enough and so I don’t.

More quotes from Jane Fonda’s interview, whose book I want to read, by the way:

“He would bring other women into our bed and it never occurred to me that I could say no. I assumed that it was that I wasn’t enough and I didn’t want him to leave me and being with him is what validated me. “

“I’ve come from a place where I would silence my voice, shut down my heart, betray my body because if he left me I would be nothing and fall down into a dark hole.”

“I couldn’t say to my husband. ‘I don’t want to anymore.’ I couldn’t say who I really was because I was scared of being alone.”

“the need to please, the disease to please, the need to be perfect, is so pervasive in our society for women… usher perfection out the door and strive for completion.”

“I don’t want to die without giving voice to my wholeness with the man I love.”

“What is more important to me is my authenticity. Being intentional about how I live.”

“I don’t want to have regrets at the end of my life. What will I have to do now so that I won’t have regrets and then it’s about being intentional about how you live, the way you live. It’s painful but it’s the right thing to do.”

She was amazing and can I just say that when ever the camera panned the audience the women were wiping away tears.

And she said it, she is a privileged white woman and she still felt that she wasn’t good enough. That’s pretty powerful when you really think about that.

EY

Budgeting

Monday 25June07

I was going to go to the park and do some picnic writing again but somehow got all caught up with working on a new budget. Writing is going well. I’ve been pretty focused on my novels. I’ve found that since I’m reading through my major novel that I’ve been working on for ten years that I still need to write. So I’ve been doing some freeflow writing for two of my other novel ideas. Neither novel has taken on a bigger life of it’s own than the other or both novels have me equally as excited. So I work on both until…

I want to organize my time a little better to get more blog entries going and I’ll work that out step by step. I act like I don’t work full time nor have a social life and I wonder why I can’t do everything. But I’m here and I love writing and I notice that things get to me a lot less when I’m focused on the worlds of my characters and it’s all good. It brings me back to that place where I used to live. Partially in my own imagination and partially in the real world. It feels to me the best way for me to live my life.

SW

Picnic Writing

Monday 9:37pm 11June07
I came home after work, freshened my sweaty self up so I didn’t kill anyone I came close to. I packed up my bags with writing material, food, Cd’s and my disc man. I still haven’t got an ipod. I walked out the house and over to the park.

Of course my batteries were dead ass dead so I had to go to the store to buy more. I set myself back up on a park bench with my Prince Cd’s and blared some tunes and wrote like a fiend. My Prince always inspires me!

I’m thinking I’m going to be doing the poor man’s summer. I’ll be sitting in a lot of parks during the week and writing. And doing a patio each weekend, hopefully. I really want to be diligent about paying off my bills and parks are still free. But I’m not psycho. I still need a reasonably priced outing each week to feel like I’m taking advantage of the summer and patio weather.

Got a lot of writing done. Wrote a full prologue for Women of the Fold. Got some sun and fresh air. Spent some quality time being inspired by my Prince. And enjoyed the freedom of being single and not having to think about someone else and what they would rather do.

EY/SW

9 of cups

Monday 4June07 7:33pm

It’s a perfect night to go rollerblading. It’s warm but not stifling and there is a decent breeze. But I’ve got too much stuff that I want to do, so maybe tomorrow.

I was a cranky pants at work today. Impatient. Didn’t want to listen to anyone’s gibberish. I had an emotional outburst because the air conditioning was too high. Why, when the weather gets warm, must everyone crank up the AC? Really if we could all just use them to take the edge off the heat instead of feeling like you’re living in the arctic. sigh! I was actually contemplating longjohns in our office. Not pretty.

In my mode of crankyness, I had to talk myself off the ledge. Why am I so cranky? What changes can I make to feel more satisfied?

I got home and worked out for 30 minutes. Gonna sit down and write for the rest of the evening. Always realize that I need a certain amount of focus in my free time. It’s when I’m not writing enough that I get cranky and impatient.

I pulled the 9 of cups from the Robin Wood Tarot.
Fat, happy, jolly, grinning man. Happy with the way things are. Emotions under control. Satisfaction.

It’s how I’ve started to feel since I decided to get over it. Stop being so cranky and do the work that makes me feel happy. And give up on the whole impatient thing, it serves no purpose anyway. We’ll see how that all pans out.

SW

Competition with myself

Tuesday 7:07pm 29May07

Well, I’ve missed quite a few days of pulling cards. My most recent card was the 5 of wands (Universal Waite). The image immediately makes me think about competition. I’m not feeling like I’m competing against anyone so decided to look at competing with myself. Looking at ways to improve what I’m doing. Or doing more today than I did yesterday.

It’s always a battle to get some kind of consistency and balance. Competing with others never motivates me to do more. But competing with myself? That has magic.

Christin Snyder who has a couple yahoo groups has started a blog with Tarot info.
all things tarot.

Her interpretation of the five of wands:
“Card: Five of Wands
Simple Interpretation: Inner conflict, turmoil, possible conflict or confrontations in the workplace or family, a need for compromise, a need for more clarity or to get clear on what ones true goal is. battles between heart/head”

I have to admit that I am battling between my heart and my head. Stuck in that caring for something and thinking of all the reasons why it would be safer for me not to care.

Check out her blog, it’s looking like it will be a good one.

SW

1000 hours update

I’ve written 165,983 words to date

Choosing how I want to feel

Tuesday 15May07 7:12pm

I pulled the Queen of Swords this morning from the Thoth deck and I’m just not feeling it. I’m not ready to tell everyone what I honestly think as I may totally ruin some relationships. Sometimes that kid of honesty isn’t the best medicine. Not right now when I don’t feel attached to any sort of tact or diplomacy. Best to keep my mouth shut.

Decided tonight I’d look for the card I want to be based on the picture. That card is the Priestess. With her arms open she’s absorbing the energies from the higher realms, connected to Source. She has all that she needs because she’s created/attracted it. She’s in her centre, focused, grounded, feeling the healing energy flowing through her. She has no blockages. She is open.

That’s what I want to feel tonight.

SW

Tarot – Flash Fiction Formula

I’ve mentioned that I found Mark McElroy’s pdf Tarot for Creative Writers and I’ve been playing with writing stories using the Tarot. What I’ve come to realize is that it’s become so much fun for me that I’ve been rushing home from work to write a new story.

Back in the day, I used to rush home every single day from work anticipating sitting at the table in the living room (when I still lived with room mates) and pulling out my steno and writing like a fiend. I’ve moved so far away from that person for many years. It often felt like more of a fight to get organized and then the television somehow seeped into my time and I was vegging instead of creating. I’m happy to say that I’ve been keeping the television turned off and I’ve been playing with my writing.

That’s really the key for me, there has to be a certain amount of play. It’s that beginner’s mind and attitude when you know that you don’t know what you are doing and you believe that with daily practice things will improve.

I’ve been doing the Tarot short stories and I’ve been doing the poems where I pick five words out of a box and try to write a piece using all of those five words. Play! It’s great to have that focus to mold and sculpt the serious writing work like my novel but there still needs to be some play for me otherwise I start to avoid all the work I feel I need to do.

Here is the Flash Fiction Formula from Mark McElroy’s PDF Tarot for Creative Writers:

Card 1 – Who/When
Card 2 – What/Theme
Card 3 – Want/Need
Card 4 – Turning Point
Card 5 – End-Hint
Card 6 – Midpoint
Card 7 – Dark Hour
Card 8 – Learn Lesson
Card 9 – Rising Action
Card 10 – Climax
Card 11 – Reflection

I use this to get me to write and have fun writing. I have no plans on rereading the stories any time soon. Maybe in a year or so. I’ve got more than enough other writings to revise. This is purely for the fun of writing. And Thank Mark McElroy for giving me that again.

Hmm and I still allow myself the really good televison shows like Heroes… two more episodes.

Mark McElroy’s sites …Tarot Tools
Made by Mark
And google Mark McElroy Tarot for Creative Writers to find his PDF book!

SW

Which Mix of the Hogwarts Houses are You?

You’re a Slytherdor! You are a natural leader and have the personality to back it up. Often people are hesitant to approach you because they feel that you will reject them. You have a bit of a temper but most of the time you’re able to keep it in check; however when you are really pissed off, people better watch out. In your life you have a lot of things you want to accomplish, whether it’s for yourself or another cause. You can be determined in trying to pursue this goal but your morals are too steady to allow you to be absolutely ruthless. You don’t let many people know this, but you actually like the idea of chivalry (but you try to keep this buried) and you try to live your life with honor. You don’t back away from tough decisions. Your weakness is that sometimes you can be arrogant, you forget about the ‘lesser people’ and this leads you to underestimate your opponents. With the charisma of a Gryffindor and the ambition of a Slytherin you can be great in life!
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More Tarot Fun

Sunday 11:44am 13May07

I decided today would be a stay at home and write all day day. Yesterday before I went out to the Forte concert I used one of Mark McElroy’s ideas of using the Tarot cards to write a short story. I used the Robin Wood Tarot deck because for some reason with that deck I can see the makings of a story just from looking at the cards. It was funny because the cards could easily pertain to me and my life and yet it was easy to look at a character going through the motions and conflict and setting the example.

Mark has a great Pdf available on the net just google his name and Tarot for Creative Writers. I used pages 28 to 33 for Flash fiction last night. While googling his name to find the pdf again to mention on my blog I found a couple other good Tarot articles and uses for them other than the obvious…

Ways to Use the Tarot
and Living the Tarot.

I keep meaning to get around to studying one tarot card at a time for about a week at a time. I don’t know if I can commit to one card for a whole month but you never know.

EY/SW

The Magician

Friday 5:48pm 11May07

I pulled the Magician from the Universal Waite Deck this morning. Some of the keywords that I decided to choose include: Imagination, Creativity, doing what needs to be done, realizing your potential, producing magical results…

This morning I emailed the person who noticed my emotional funk last night to express my thanks for noticing that I was falling off the edge. People don’t always notice or they do notice but could give two shits. It is amazing how just noticing someone can change their whole outlook. Some of that falls in line with the magician for me.

Obviously the energy of the magician can be used towards ones art. Sitting down and taking all the magical elements to create something of worth. To express what needs to come out. To go deep.

EY/SW

Reality Bites?

Friday 11May07 6:12am

I’m finally starting to feel almost like my normal self. Just this morning. I think I’ll go swimming after work.

Taurus seems to be about reality for me and facing the reality in every aspect of my life. And yes, sometimes, reality bites the big one. It’s been a quiet week on the EY front. I’ve felt drained of all need to converse with pretty much anyone. Someone last night mentioned that I wasn’t quite myself. A subtle difference, I was told. It was nice to have someone peg it especially since I’ve said nothing to anyone about how I’ve been feeling.

My boys have been their normal teasing, joke cracking selves and I haven’t had it in me to do the dance. But when all else fails it’s back to the drawing board. Find something to inspire. Eat super healthy. Move my body. And find the joke in life.

That’s where I am this morning.
EY/ SW

Universe/ Page of Wands

Last night I pulled the Universe from the Thoth tarot and this morning I pulled the Page of Wands from the Universal Waite Tarot.
The Universe could be having the world in my hand, realizing my goals, finding a beautiful solution, using a gift or talent. Having the world in my hands. Accomplishment – knowing that we have goals and are moving toward them successfully.
It inspired me to pull a bunch of books off my shelves to help to motivate me with my novel. Anything to jump start my direction. Yeah yeah I still have to read those 8 or 9 binders filled with notes and chapters and scenes but I still want to write in the meantime. The act of putting words to paper keeps me in touch with my characters. I opened, Writing the Breakout Novel to a random page and got into looking at my top three favorite novels and what they have in common. My top three novels are The Great Gatsby, Five Smooth Stones, the Third Life of Grange Copeland and I threw the Color Purple in there even though it made it four novels. Somehow reading the examples in Writing the Breakout novel and thinking about these novels at the same time really clicked in my mind. I came up with the two questions (the true premise) that the whole novel is trying to answer. A question pertaining to Rachel and Kali and a question pertaining to Rachel. It’s Kali’s story but her story is based on how she sees herself because of Rachel.
I actually said out loud, “Oh my God!” Rachel’s questions make her human and flawed and well meaning and just because we’re well meaning doesn’t mean that outcome is always perfect or what we expect.
Now I feel that I can read through all my notes and chapters and scenes looking for examples of those two questions being portrayed. The Universe, I’ve got my novel world in the palm of my hands.

The Page of Wands – be creative, be enthusiastic, be confident, be courageous.
Can I just say that I wanted to call in sick to work so badly this morning so I could stay home and work on my novel. As the French would say, Thanks God it’s Friday!”
On the Learning Tarot site the first action is take a novel approach. ha ha! take a novel approach to my novel.
So I am the Page of Wands pertaining to White Wishes, I’ve come up with a solution, jumping in wholeheartedly, excited, optimistic, saying/ screaming, “Yes I can!”. I know that where there’s a will there’s a way.

EY/ SW

Reaching my Limits

Thursday 5:45pm 3May07

I left work yesterday and walked down to pick up my tickets for last night’s reading plus the next readings for the month of May and June. I had an hour to kill still before the reading started so I decided I’d go for a walk. Decided I’d go wherever my legs took me. My legs took me home. ha ha! So I never did catch the reading. It was on travel writers and so far that hasn’t become an interest. Maybe when I actually start traveling I’ll be interested in finding out how other writers write about it. Right now the thought just depresses me and reminds me that I don’t get a chance to travel.

Too tired last night and this morning to pick a tarot card but yesterday morning’s card was the 9 of Swords. Something bugging me, keeping me awake at night? Not really but I’ve been darn tired. Mind you there is still that one person that I can’t seem to peg. Can’t totally figure him out and it may be time to let that all go. Sometimes the best thing to do is to let go and let the meaning come to you when you least expect it. But my thoughts of him haven’t been keeping me awake at night. So that’s my story on the 9 of Swords for now anyway.

An interesting journal to start would be a moon journal. When I read the in depth horoscopes like Susan Miller’s it will often mention an upcoming Full moon or eclipse or something and reference one from four years ago or last month and say that whatever issue you were dealing with on the previous one will surface on this one. Who ever remembers what the issues were from yesterday never mind four full moons ago? So it would be interesting to map them and see. At the very least it would be interesting to create a character who keeps such a journal. Yesterday was the full moon. The only issue that crept up was the continuation of feeling frustrated by those select people who take too much of my energy. Feeling like I’ve reached my limit and my patience has been saturated. I did write about it last night while eating my chicken wings before the Reading Interruptus. Yesterday’s full moon was in Scorpio.

Ha ha! But as I go back to look at the sheet on the 9 of swords I see – feeling you’ve reached your limits. Hmm. I pegged that with the full moon only. I love this shit!

My brain is currently more focused on climbing into bed and hibernating under my electric blanket. It’s nice to see sunshine but enough with the cold chill… When’s the warmer weather coming? Will we have any luck for May two-four weekend? Please Lord, can’t we?

EY & SW

Taking Back What Belongs to Me

Tuesday 1May07 5:30pm

I had a Calgon take me away moment. Jumped into a bubble bath the moment I walked in the door. It was one of those kind of days.

I pulled the 7 of Swords from the Universal Waite deck this morning. My immediate thought is that the guy/joker (he looks like a joker) is stealing 5 of the 7 swords while the others have their backs turned. The booklet has: new plans, wishes, fortitude, perseverance, endeavor, hope, confidence, fantasy, partial success.

None of that really resonated with me. Today I harassed a contractor. We had a tenant that needed something taken care of since last Thursday and the contractor just didn’t do it. I flipped this morning when I found out. I left a heated message on his voice mail so much so that he refused to return any of my calls because as I was told, he was scared of me. I emailed him every 15 minutes, “Is it done yet? Are they here yet? What time will they be here?” It was a pretty stressful situation and how I managed to deal with four irate employees of the tenant without any one of them ever yelling at me is beyond me. I don’t even know how I did it except that they knew that I was equally as pissed. The job was finally done six hours later with the contractor being very clear that I won’t be calling him anytime soon to pass on some work. We have enough of that kind of work that it will affect his livelihood.

Needless to say I needed the bubble bath to cleanse the anger off my body. To take care of myself first. To take back what belongs to me. As I did some deep breathing in the bath I wondered, what if the joker is actually taking back the swords that were stolen from him? He didn’t take them all, he only took what belonged to him.

Which somehow brings me to compassion. Today, two of the people who unload their problems on me made that attempt to unload. I couldn’t do it. I listened in such a way that I wasn’t giving my undivided attention like I normally do. I offered a suggestion to one of the people and when I realized that he had ten reasons why that couldn’t possibly work I thought, “If you’re not looking for solutions, I can’t help you.” I see now that I didn’t give away all my effort or energy. I didn’t put all my focus into the same old same old. I gave two swords and kept five for myself.

Hmm, In my tarot journal I wrote a better description: Compassion vs people who drain you of your mental resources. I gave two swords of compassion and smiling, kept the other five swords to myself. That works.

I went looking on the net for a picture of the card to add and instead found this page Seven of Swords. The funny thing is that I pulled the Hierophant last night from my Thoth deck and it is one of the opposing cards to the Seven of Swords. Where the Seven of Swords can be seen as a Joker shirking his responsibilities and hiding from them (like the contractor) and the Hierophant working with in the group and taking care of what the group needs (like me).

It’s so funny that I haven’t been looking at my cards to connect with each other. Like my cards of yesterday and the night before, the Ace of swords can be a new beginning in thought with the transformation (end of a cycle) of the death card.

I’m starting to see how I could create some interesting fiction just by pulling some tarot cards and how they can interlock. It’s fascinating and inspiring and fun.

EY & SW

Transformation

Monday 5:54pm 30Apr07

Am I finished goofing off? I think I am. Sometimes it’s about doing nothing when you are too much of a do something kind of gal.

I’ve been feeling my tarot cards calling me, in that I’ve been thinking about my tarot cards and pulling a pack or two out. I amazed myself when I went through my box to discover how many decks I have. Plus during Nanowrimo I read an article about one of the participants using her tarot cards to guide the direction of her novel. I’ve always wanted to do that.

Looked around the net for any inspiration and found these links:
Tarot for Creative Writing
Burning Void Tarot 1
Burning Void Tarot 2

There’s more but this is a good start.

Of course I was thinking that if I’m going to play with the tarot I need to get back into pulling a card a day to get the feel for them again. It really has been a long time since I’ve done that. Last night I pulled the Ace of Swords from the Thoth deck and other than knowing that ones or aces are about new beginnings, not too much was coming to my mind.

This morning I pulled a card from the Universal Waite Deck asking, “What does the Universe need me to know today?” The idea I got from Tarot By Arwen. And the writing up part from Corrine Kenner
I pulled the Death card. My immediate thought was the end of a cycle. Surrender, prayer. But end of a cycle was the main thought.
The booklet that comes with the cards read: Out with the old, in with the new. End of a cycle. Change. Surrender

As I dug this afternoon for more meanings transformation came to mind. Transformation. What area of my life am I transforming or would I like to transform? My incident with a man last week has been swirling around my thoughts. I’ve been laughing quite a bit about it. Laughing at how some men will happily take advantage if the opportunity presents itself and will turn into whiny girls if a woman puts the kibosh on the taking advantage situation. My transformation is that I’m finally figuring men out, some of them anyway. I’m finally getting/ seeing the part I play in certain situations and keeping my own best interests at heart. And the reaction is amusing the heck out of me.

So the death is of the old me. It’s pretty thrilling. I’m all about transformation.

And finally transforming Writing Zazen. I think I may do the card a day entries here plus I just need to start blogging here regularly. I love using word press. I need to stop being so lazy about it.
SW

Lost Without You!

Robin Thicke – Lost Without U: Herve Romain Dedication, Closed Captioned

Can this guy and song be more beautiful?

His wife is lucky!

SW

Life is magic

Warrior Woman says your life is filled with magic and miracles. You just need to keep your eyes open for them. You stopped today and took the moment to be blessed with your piece of magic. That angel is a token of magic.

Meditate on your magic and bring yourself closer to it. Meditate and get closer to your higher self and what she has to tell you. She is waiting for you to listen. She is waiting for you to listen to your heart.

SW

Angel at my feet

I conked out at 6:30pm last night and slept right through to 2:30am. I honestly thought I’d sleep for a couple hours and then get up and write. Fooled me. The only reason why I woke up was because my downstairs neighbours were banging a hammer or something. I figure their downstairs neighbours were making noise and they were banging their disapproval. Considered going down stairs to bang on their heads but thought better of it. Who needs a fight at 2 o’clock in the morning.

It’s peaceful now. Just a nice hum. The cats all sleep on their separate perches. The tap is dripping. That’s the extent of the noises at this time. I get the odd whiff of Orange scented pinesol of which I mopped the floors with on Sunday.

Lolo made it safely to Korea and is stoked about her new apartment. Front loading washing machine… I’m jealous.

Was in a mood for most of Monday. Announced to a contractor, “I’m not feeling very patient today, so you need to get to the point.” Ado laughed and said he felt sorry for whoever made the mistake of crossing my path.

I don’t know what it was that made me so moody. My thoughts got dark. I could understand why some people end their lives in suicide. The feeling that the problems never end and thinking, why bother? I used that energy for Rachel and wrote a small segment of White Wishes with Rachel feeling that sense of defeat with her alcoholic husband and her children that she had to care for no matter how tired she feels or defeated. It helped. There are days when you want to get back to the Source, when you know it’s up to you to feel connected but you just can’t.

I went up to the management office to drop off some stuff. As I came off the freight elevator I saw a glinty token on the floor. I kicked it and figured it was an insignia off a portfolio or something and kept going. When I came back it was still on the floor and I decided to pick it up. On it reads, “Always with you.” On the other side is an Angel.

Ohh! Talk about an immediate mood change. Source connected with me by dropping an angel at my feet. I forget that my life is magical. I forget that I have so many good things to focus on. I have many things to be grateful for: a job and coworkers I genuinely like, a place of my own that truly is my sanctuary, my three cats that make me giggle (Picasso was grooming me last night, rubbing her head against my scalp and then cleaning me), interests and hobbies, life long friends, good health, ideas, more than enough resources (books, music etc).

My buddy who got me into my bar mess called me yesterday morning at 8:30am asking, “You want to meet up on Wednesday?” So I have another outing this week. I figure he’s got news. I also figure I have to prepare myself for the combined teasing that he and Fredo will give me since they like to tag team against me. Bastards!

Today is the new moon. A perfect time to start a new project or a new job and get a new attitude.

Picasso is crying her squeaky cry at the door begging to go explore the hallway. Might as well let her out.
EY

Originally posted on my Writing2live blog.

Nervous Energy

Tuesday 7:10pm 3Apr07

Now I’m sitting here at my desk. Still sweating from my brisk walk. Using exercise to harness my nervous energy. Impatience shrouds my thoughts making me restless. I walk down to the water and back home knowing that once I’m finished I’ll be calmer and ready to sit down and write.

I throw my crazy thoughts in the lake like skipping stones. And power walk back home free for a few more hours. I don’t know why it’s so hard to get over what I need to get over but the up side is that it’s getting me off my ass to work out. My thoughts are a few more steps on my pedometer. That’s something to count on.

I admit to wanting to get to the good parts of my life. Not like this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s far more manageable than anything I’ve been through or what some people are going through now. But we are selfish beings aren’t we? We only really know or care about our own existence, if the truth be known. We do anything to distract ourselves from the so-called bad emotions and barely enjoy the good ones when we have them.

Looking forward to the rain that the thunder is currently announcing. I hope it pours all night and there’s a cool breeze blowing through my window while I sleep underneath my electric blanket. I hope the rain is a symbol of my mind being cleansed and tomorrow is a new day and my attitude is optimistic again. I wish I could hear the words I want to hear out of the mouth I want to hear them from. Or at the very least I wish I could stop caring.

SW

Weaning off Anti-Depressant Medication

Monday 7:45pm 2Apr07

I have a friend who is in the process of weaning himself off anti depressant medication. He’s having a bit of a tough time with it. I can’t really imagine what he is going through because I never went on the meds when my doctor prescribed them.

What I did instead was look at the way I think about things and try to guide my thoughts on to better things. Mostly. I took the time I needed and stopped hanging out with people who either didn’t appreciate my giving nature or who bogged me down with all their problems.

Lately I’ve been playing as if I were still a child. I’ve been looking at some of the things that make me feel better like pretending I have a split personality where the tougher personality takes care of the more fragile personality. Warrior Woman guides me and coaches me and gives me the advice that I need. I know that I’m making it all up but it’s working for me. Some times the only way you can go about attacking the frustrations and depressions of life is to go at them from a seemingly ridiculous angle.

I wonder if the people who read my blogs think I’m a crazy whack job. And at the same time I don’t really care as long as I feel good in my life.

I hope my friend can find it within himself to cope. When you realize that everything is inside you, you find all the strength you need.

SW

Making Changes

Monday 7:19pm 2Apr07

I’ve been making changes. I’d been focused again on trying to have some kind of social life but that’s been a bit disappointing. It’s like the Universe keeps pushing me to sit down and write. The quote that runs through my mind is from Nelly Furtado, “when my friends were out going to parties every weekend, I was home working on my music.”

I think it has to be like that for me for a while anyway. My two girl friends that work in adjacent buildings to me are leaving their jobs for jobs that are in line with their goals. I feel a little like I’m being deserted. I’m certainly being left alone to my own devices, might as well get focused. After my breaking point of a very harsh week last week, I pulled out another personality to use. I’m pretending that I have a mirror twin housed within me who is tough and who pushes me to go farther than I normally would. I call her Warrior Woman.

I’ve added conversations in my journal between me and Warrior Woman.

Warrior Woman says, why be depressed? So you didn’t get what you wanted. It just means that something better is on its way. That, ‘you weren’t invited’ energy was a little shitty but it wasn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened. You can deal with it. Somethings are not meant to be. Maybe it will still happen but as it sits right now, you’ve got to let go.

Warrior Woman says, don’t feel bad for the effort you put in. At least you know how to go for what you want. You just need to take a time out.

Warrior Woman says, the time to take for yourself is now. Now to work on the debt. Now to work on independence. Now to work on working out and getting into the kind of shape you want to be in. Now to complete your novel in progress. You could get Book 1 done easily by July 1st with using the time wisely, with harnessing your energy. Might as well learn how to do all that now. You’ve got the time.

Remember that different people work at different speeds. Just because you are ready now doesn’t mean that others are equally as ready to walk a combined path with you. Some of the path you make have to walk alone. But you are never alone. Some people will walk a few blocks with you and then leave, others will walk miles with you. Don’t waste your time on the fantasy, nothing ever turns out the way you expect. You get what you don’t expect.

You can be hurt by stubbornly wanting one option or just frustrated by the time you feel you’ve wasted. Watch others interest level. If it doesn’t match yours then move on. Keep a space open for the people who match your interest level. If you keep hitting the same brick wall that’s a message to you that something doesn’t fit.

Move on and get focused and don’t let the dumbasses distract you. There are places you want to be come July. So why not focus on that. Sometimes the only thing you can depend on is your plan. It’s not always going to be that way it just happens to be that way today. Let tomorrow deal with tomorrow. The more you focus on the frustrations of life, the more frustrations you’ll have to focus on. Keep working on yourself because you are the only person you can change. Let go of being embarrassed by what you have or don’t have. Let go of feeling self-conscious. Be who you are with honesty and they will respect you or they won’t. You can’t change that and you’ll feel healthier for it.

That’s pretty much all that Warrior Woman had to say to me.

SW

My Confession – Patience

Saturday 24Mar07 11:04am

I caught the movie, Green Fingers, this morning. In it the old guy Fergus gets Clive Owen’s character to plant violet seeds in an area where no one could believe that they could ever grow. Come spring the violets have grown and Fergus makes a comment about finding beauty in the most unlikely places. He suggests that Clive Owen’s character (Luke?) find a way to learn how to embrace the adversity in his life even though they are prisoners.

Something made me think about the qualities we want to develop in ourselves. My latest quality of the last year or so has become patience. Not the losing your temper kind of patience but the long term patience of seeing things through. Of course when ever you decide on a certain quality you come face to face with it in a major way.

I am known for being uncommitted when it comes to relationships with men. Part of it is because I’ve been disappointed so often and for so long that I’d basically given up. If the truth be known. Why wish for something if it feels like it’s not destined to ever happen in your life? It seems ridiculous to me. So I stopped wishing and worse yet, believing.

I met a man in December 2005. We were introduced in passing by a mutual friend. There was something about him the moment I saw him that I liked. I can recall thinking, “He’s cute in a different way. I’d go out with him. He probably wouldn’t look twice at me.”

In February of 2006 our paths crossed again and over the last year we’ve become more friendly and have learned bits and pieces about each other. My original appraisal of him has turned into a full fledged crush. Of course nothing can be that simple in my life. With things not happening fast enough in my opinion I looked for other distractions i.e. other men to be interested in. I stayed away from him. I ignored him. I closed my thinking to him.

The male distractions never bore fruit in any substantial way. I was never that interested, my heart wasn’t in it. I could care less if it worked out one way or the other. I finally read the signs and dropped all the distractions.

Over the last five months or longer I’ve resurfaced admitting to myself finally that I can’t really get this person out of my head. I want to know more about him. I want to know if he’s a worthwhile human being. I want to know what kind of man he is. And I’ve witnessed some pretty consistent remarkable things. Nothing has developed still and yet so much has developed.
I always have all these questions I want to ask him and all thoughts escape my mind whenever I come face to face. He does and says things that are quite sweet and leaves me wondering when action will follow or if any action will action follow.

He has become my patience meter. There are certain people that come into your life and you just know what purpose your connection to each other is met. His purpose in my life is to teach me that long term patience (maybe even the patience of Job!) I’ve gone from running far away from him to that high school confusion of, “Does he like me?” Finally I’ve reached an inner calm (still with a sense of urgency) that acknowledges that whatever happens will happen. We could become great friends, something deeper, or we’ll disappear out of each other’s lives. Who really knows about anyone you meet, what your relationship could become?

Maybe it’s not how long a relationship lasts or what it develops into but who I become because of it.

EY

200 Pages still to print

I got my novel in progress all together. Found all the notes and pieces of paper of snippets I’ve written in the last ten years. I’m still in the middle of printing out the sheets that I don’t have in hard copy. Still have 200 more pages to print.

What is that? Absolutely crazy, I think. I just wanted to get it all together and then read through every piece of paper and dig for nuggets in my own writing.

I was reading an entry on Bookcritics.org today about Ian McEwan and his style of composition. I’m realizing that my style is to write like crazy and ten years later decide it’s time to read through it all. I hope I’m a little quicker on my next novel. I may have to live several hundred years to be a prolific writer!

I’m on the last chapter of Wabi Sabi for Writers by Richard R. Powell. Time to choose a new book to read.

SW

Six Traits

excerpt from the book Wabi Sabi for Writers by Richard R. Powell (an excellent book! If you want to be inspired, buy it!)

There was a wabi sabi man who struggled to express what he loved and who chronicled his struggles for his brother in a series of letters that allow us to see into his inner world. His name was Vincent Van Gogh. This artist was rejected and ignored during his lifetime but he kept painting through isolation, poverty, and illness. Van Gogh exhibited six traits in his life that are worth considering:

1. Perseverance. His art was unique and original but no one recognized it at the time. Nevertheless, he developed his own style through years of effort.

2. Wabi sabi… He understood the beauty of the ordinary, the hidden value of the everyday. He uncovered both its loneliness and the way it binds people to a place. He chose wabi sabi models for his art, simple farmers and miners authentically portrayed in their natural settings.

3. Simplicity. He lived simply and worked diligently to capture what he saw, forgoing a prosperous life for his art.

4. Expressiveness. He not only painted but he also wrote what he thought and felt about his work. He highlighted his writing with sketches and delighted in sharing beauty.

5. Independence. He lived his convictions in poverty, unappreciated and unrecognized, because he knew what he was trying to achieve. Like everyone else, he worried about his physical needs and wished he were in a better position financially, but his convictions and his strong sense of the value of his own perceptions allowed him to enter into the painting process with abandon.

6. Courage. He faced with resolution the exclusion he experienced from painterly society. He invited painters to visit him, sent correspondences to those he respected, and sought help for his illness, all while producing painting after painting.

Van Gogh lived a heroic life, and his story inpires me to continue writing when the rewards seem far away.

pages 105 & 106

My Goal – 1000 Hours of Writing in 1 year

I’ve written 95643 words to date.

White Wishes

Writertopia.com

Frustration Turns into Creativity

Tuesday 5:43pm 27Feb07

Yesterday I started the day off with a giggle thinking how relaxing my morning at work was going to be. Well, at least it started that way. Then it turned into a beat down session with me being the one beat down. I answered the phone with exasperation more times than not.

When I got home last night I was sure that I was going to dive into bed head first. I certainly couldn’t blog. No one wants to read about that shit. I didn’t even have the energy to go to the liquor store for a bottle of wine. The thought of standing in line sweating in my layers was akin to some kind of Japanese water torture.

I didn’t think I was going to write at all. I started my journal, ‘Today the wrath of Mercury retrograde reared its angry head in my direction.’ Heck, I was the bullseye! The day was all about communication, miscommunication, hostile communication, Mercury’s domain.

Somehow I figured out that sleeping and/or drinking wasn’t the answer. So I wrote. I wrote my 1 hour mind cleanse for 30 minutes. I wrote my freeflow for my novel and I worked out. In the midst of working out I realized that frustration and anger motivate me.

I wrote in my journal, ‘What a great thing sometimes frustration can be because it stops me and gets me to ask the question, what do I most need to focus on for my sanity and my future? I need to be able to ask that question when I’m not frustrated or angry. I want to feel good. I don’t want to be ruled by a life of roller coaster emotions in order to create because that’s the kind of person I am, the one who loves to create.’

Through the midst of all that I also decided that since I’ve got all my novel notes and drafts and scratchings in one place, I’m going to read everything I have and plug the pieces into appropriate chapters of my novel.

In my journal I wrote, ‘It makes sense to go through all my pieces of writing to throw them all into White Wishes chapters. Read through it, mark up the page and type it into my novel that I’m working on now. Add the daily freeflow stuff that I’m doing for each chapter as well. Just keep adding and reading and reorganizing until I get there. And when I have read through every last bit of paper and have a whole novel then sculpt it like clay into what I want it to be.

I, today, February 26th 2007, feel like I can complete White Wishes and it’s the best feeling ever. I can really do this. How wonderful is that? It’s been a long time coming and there is still more work to do but I finally genuinely feel like I’ve got the right focus. I really need to have that feeling of creating out of thin air (freeflow/ stream of consciousness writing) because I love that feeling but, as well, I can plop the finished pieces together and read them and sculpt the scenes. It’s really really good, this love of what I do.’

Some how I transformed the frustration and channeled it. I’ve been working toward harnessing my energy instead of turning it into depression for years, yesterday I nailed it.

SW

White Fresh Snow

Tuesday 5pm 27Feb07

I love fresh white snow. The sticky fluffy stuff. I love to wear my geeky winter boots, the same kind you wore when you were a kid, the ones that you can step into deep slush with confidence, and kick the snow in my path. I love the sight of marshmallow white trees with their spongy snowy branches like three dimensional paintings. My heart giggles. I am a child again. I am the little sister following my big brother doing whatever he does.

My brother was an adventurer to me, when I was little. If he found me remotely interesting it was a good day in my books.

I excelled physically because I wanted to impress my brother. I wanted him to notice me as an equal. I wanted him to recognize my value. When I was ten, I could out run any of his friends. I impressed him once, when one of the neighbourhood boys called me a nigger and I chased him. He was on his bike and I ran him down, pulled him off the back of his bike by his hair and kicked the shit out of him.
” I guess you won’t call her that again,” my brother said smugly.

At ten, I wanted to keep up with my brother. I climbed moving trains with him and went everywhere he did. At ten, I discovered my limitations in comparison to my brother and made decisions/choices about who I wanted to be if I couldn’t be as good as him.

I wish we remained close. But he decided on distance and I obediently listened to his request.

But when it’s snowy outside. When it’s white and fresh and spongy. When I wear my geeky winter boots that women look at with that judgemental fashion faux pas air. When it’s that certain kind of mild winter air. I forget about everyone around me as if my eyes are closed and I walk and kick that white time machine and I remember those moments of my innocence when the biggest person in my world was my big brother. And I giggle.

SW

The Bar

I’m in love! Okay, not with a person, but with a place. It’s a small bar near where I work. I keep telling myself not to become a regular at this bar. It’s nice once in awhile to show up and have a beer to break up the month of going straight home to write. It’s nice once in awhile to go in and socialize and enjoy the cold refreshing beer saturating my tongue. But it’s not my place, it’s not my hang out.

What I discover everytime I go in is that there’s something really magical about it. Everytime I go in there I meet someone new. The key of course could be that I go in there by myself, mind you, I do know enough of the regulars that I could conceivably just talk to them each time and never meet another new person. But I always meet someone new. It’s fascinating. I get to hear funny stories, heart warming stories, personal stories. Stories galore! The place feeds my writer brain. Sometimes I can sit for an hour or so and work on my writing, sometimes I can’t write because the socializing is on high and either way it feeds me.

Someone remarked last night, when I said that I didn’t know what anyone there did for a living, that it was rare to meet a person who didn’t immediately ask that question. I said that I want to talk to people not gauge how much money they may or may not earn. How much money someone makes has never been an interest to me.

At the bar, beautiful things happen in front of me because I expect some type of beauty there. I expect to meet nice people and I always do.

Last night one of the regulars was there and his daughters showed up with his 14 month old grand son. The bartender scooped up the chubby peach of a child and carried him around showing him off to everybody, excited by the size of the child, admiring the child’s sunny face. What a gorgeous occasion to see a man thrilled by children. What a beautiful blessing having the chance to see another side, a tender side of a man. Especially a man. Babies stereotypically fall under a woman’s domain. Women coo and ooh and aah over babies. In our society, men aren’t supposed to.
In Wabi Sabi for writers by Richard R. Powell, he writes, “Male stereotypes pull hard at a boy; male society encourages a kind of brutish toughness. But my heart was born tender and gentle; my strength increased when I turned away from male pride…”
What a joy to see a man that has overcome that noise and who openly enjoys the sight of a chubby baby. I could almost see his heart swelling with joy over this baby. I’d love to see him when he finally has his own child. What a deserving heart for such a sacred experience.

And then there was the tale that Derek told me because I asked… “I hope I’m not being too forward in asking but what happened?”
see Derek’s story next entry.

So slowly I’m becoming a regular in an alternate Cheers universe where everyone is beginning to know my name and I like it. Where the people feed into my writing world and where nice things happen because I’m looking for them.

SW

Derek’s Story

He was a broker. He’d made his first million dollars by the time he was 28 years old. He said that he would have nightmares about money. He’d disappear for days at a time, running off to Vegas getting so doped up and thinking he was in Ajax. He’d call his wife saying he wasn’t sure where he was. She complained to him, you’re working too much, you’re too focused on money, you need to spend more time with me and your sons.

He shrugged off her complaints. She wasn’t complaining about flying off to go shopping with her best girlfriend on his money and not having to work for a living, he thought.

She left him.

He continued on his path.

She got in a serious car accident and broke her neck. The doctor’s called him and told him to bring their sons in to say goodbye to their mother.

He brought them in then spent what was to be her final days with her in the hospital. He took a leave of absence from work and spent all his days at the hospital or taking care of his sons. She kept hanging on.

Eventually her situation started to improve. There was constant care but she was improving. The doctors put steel rods in her neck. He helped her when it was time to go home. He’s continued to spend time with her and care for their sons.

One night they had a long talk. She said that despite loving her sons, she’d always wanted a little girl. They agreed and set out to get her pregnant. Doing what you do.

She’s pregnant and it’s a little girl. Derek moves back in with her in 6 weeks. He quit his job and got another low maintenance job.

He said, “now I’m having nightmares about having a baby. A little girl! Will she be healthy? Will the delivery be too hard on my wife? I’m a complete mess.”

A complete mess? He’s changed his life drastically. He listened to the message that the universe offered him. He’s been given a second chance and he’s taking it.

What a great story and I’m so grateful that he told it to me.

SW

Depression and Isolation – Digging for Nuggets

Tuesday 20Feb07 5:27pm

In Wabi Sabi for Writers, Richard R. Powell discusses old world Japan when political leaders resided one year in their home province and one year in Edo and how the travel caused such improvements as roads and construction. Those improvements and movements of people led to the relaxation of class barriers and the flow of ideas, arts, crafts and books. “Literacy was officially encouraged, and in 1639 all foreign books were banned to encourage the reading and writing of Japanese… It was the start of sakoku, a period of cultural isolation. In a way it was a wabi time, a time of solitude and introspection. Sometimes isolation is a good thing, especially when it promotes reading, writing and exploration of what it means to be Japanese, or what it means to be you.”

For me the lines, ’sometimes isolation is a good thing, especially when it promotes… what it means to be you.’

Some how it brings me back to being diagnosed with depression back in 2002. Because I didn’t want to take anti depressants under any circumstances I had to find ways to get myself out of it. I figured that if it was my thinking that got me there, it would have to be my thinking that got me out. My biggest test was finding a way to trust the universe that everything would work out all right. In 2003, I took the year off working. I quit my full time job and kept my part time job of which I worked one or two shifts a week. I dipped and dipped into my savings until there were no more. I took writing classes at Ryerson and did the Humber School for Writers program at Humber College. I didn’t do as much writing as I hoped but I was plagued with looking for ways to change my thoughts. That really was a full time job.

I wouldn’t allow myself to worry about the money and somehow the money kept arriving from different sources just in time, every time. That will give you a lot of peace for sure. I kept remembering what a psychic told me years ago, “Stop worrying about money, you haven’t died a winter yet. ” So I trusted the universe and the universe rewarded me. It was good.

Through working on my thoughts I found that one of my frustrations was that many of my friends, who all knew that I was diagnosed with depression, were still burdening me with all their problems. I honestly didn’t know how to tell them that they needed to stop burdening me. I’d bring up the depression in conversation but somehow it didn’t sink in that their negativity could be feeding into my depression.

That year off was a God send and a real gift to myself to find myself. When every last cent was about to run out, I was offered a full time job on a year and a half contract and happily took it. I was ready to work again. I was grateful to work with the same people I’d worked with in the past. I was happy that the flow of money would continue. I was happy that for once I trusted the Universe.

With strong legs, I went back to work and joined society once again as a pseudo regular gal. I knew that I’d have to be mindful that I could fall back into depression and I continued my practice. I still wasn’t writing as much as I wanted to but I felt sure that at some point that would pick up.

From 2004 through to 2006, I started to get more focused on the other things that caused my depression. The biggest issue was feeling over burdened by other people’s troubles. I started telling people that I couldn’t be their go to person about every last detail. Some listened, some didn’t. Then I started becoming more protective of my time.

There’s a quote/ comment/ story on a Napoleon Hill tape that I love. It’s about a man who would only associate with winners because he knew that by doing so, he would elevate himself. He goes to eat at a sea food restaurant and orders a lobster. When he gets it, the waiter explains that this lobster got in a fight with another lobster and lost a claw in the battle. The man says, “give me the winner, I want the winner!”

I realized that the same was true about people’s attitudes. If I was surrounded by negative people who focused on their problems all the time I couldn’t expect to stay out of my depression for long. In 2005, I protected my time so much that I hardly hung out with anyone. By 2006, I was able to make the goal to make my writing a priority in my life. I stopped answering the phone if I was writing. I said no to any invitation that didn’t sound appealing to me. I isolated myself. This isolation, however, wasn’t the depressive type of isolation, it was my form of sakoku. I was discovering what it means to be me with out the outside chatter and distractions. In a big city, it’s next to impossible unless you find a way to simplify your life.

For 2007, (my new year starts March 1st) I’ve set a goal to build up to writing 21 hours a week. I haven’t reached it yet but it’s something to strive for. I’d like to write 1000 hours or more in one year. My social life is coming back into full swing with a difference, I leave early if I feel like it , I say no when I don’t feel like going, I don’t stay if I’m not having a good time and I refuse to be the constant sponge for everyone’s burdens. If people need help, I’m more than willing to help, but not every single time at every hour of the day. I also make sure to get some kind of writing done before or after I’ve been social.

It was the peace of my isolation that made me realize how I need a certain amount of time alone. I had to be away from people to appreciate being around people. I had to figure out what my personal boundaries were in order to know when others had stepped on them.

Somehow that Wabi Sabi entry helped me to crystallize what the last five years have meant to me and the work that I’ve done. I didn’t even realize at the time that I was doing work.

SW

Moment of Crisis

Thursday 5:27pm 15Feb07

I’m still on the high of the ordinary mystery and ordinary miracle partially because another couple (mysteries and miracles) were dropped in my lap by messenger rather than the cosmos whispering back at me. Sometimes I need the angelic messenger that takes over a human body for the minute to hand me the proof.

I realized today that there is often that point when you are going to give up, that moment of crisis, when you think that all is lost and why did you even bother in the first place. I’d reached that point at least a couple months ago. I’d resigned myself to the fact that this was never going to happen. Not meant to be. Shit, I wished I still didn’t want it. To save face, I wasn’t going to acknowledge that I ever wanted it. I admit to being big on saving face.

How do you portray the attitude of shrugged shouldered nonchalance? I somehow faked it. I had to admit that there were good things that I’d gained from this wish. I was going to reap the rewards of the good things and completely ignore the other. Maybe it was the relaxed manner that ultimately brought on the winds of change. That relaxed attitude that isn’t so focused on the outcome. I kept showing up so obviously somewhere something within me kept a smidgen of belief.

That smidgen has now been magnified ten fold at least. There is promise and excitement and giddyness and a whole whack of renewed patience. I’ve waited this long, I can wait a few hours more. The cosmos are going to tease me however, as they already have. They’ve been offering me grade b, c and d but I’ve told them I’ll wait for A. I’ve wanted A all along. B,C and D were only ever distractions to keep my mind off A.

My mind is on A with the assuredness that it’s already mine. Act as if I have it and I do. Believe it before I see it.

SW

Digging for Nuggets

Monday 12Feb07 8:50pm

Now I’m sitting here and I’ve hit my 3 hour daily writing goal for today so everything else I do is icing. I pulled out Wabi Sabi for writers (by Richard R. Powell) to read a little and dig for nuggets, either a good writing exercise (doing scales as I like to call it) or a phrase that hits me the right way and makes me want to write following that phrase where it will take me. The nugget was “Ordinary Mysteries”.

I had an ordinary mystery today. I wrote a vignette about the ordinary mystery as a piece of fiction, creating a character like me to live it. I thought it might be an entry for this blog but alas it is still too personal to share in the virtual space that anyone can come across.

It was about an intention and a subtle wish. I’ll take this for now but I really want this my thoughts whispered to the cosmos not thinking that they’d be listening. That’s the way it usually happens. That’s what they say to do in the Law of Attraction anyway. State what you want, decide that you will have it, then let it go and know that the universe will give it to you. It’s not easy to do. We always ask, “Why hasn’t it happened yet?” and we stop the magic in its tracks.

I didn’t worry about it today though because today wasn’t the day it was going to happen anyway. In the near future yes but not today. Why worry about the real wish until later on in the week even? I prepared for my intention with all the niceties that showed that I was ready to make it a reality. I arrived at the place like a woman paying her last layaway payment before she finally brings home the object she’s been saving weeks for. And there was a notice posted on the pole. Today of all days. They never have that class on Mondays. Or they never make that special on Mondays. Or some such hidden meaning that I can’t quite find the words to describe so that you kind of get it but don’t get it at all. ha ha

I did say it was too personal.

The surprise notice made me take notice, I’d barely whispered the thought and you heard? The surprise notice told me to forget about settling for second best, I have every right to manifest first best. Imagine something big that you want, now imagine something bigger. Go for the bigger. Grade B could be fun for the time being but I’ve waited so long for Grade A, why not wait a few hours longer especially when it’s already on it’s way?

Yes!
And the Ordinary Mystery brought me to the Ordinary Miracle.
It was all ordinary because it wasn’t a huge shift in any area but enough of a shift to make me keep the faith. Believe, trust and watch it show up.

SW

Earth, Wind & Fire

Sunday 2:58pm 11Feb07

I’ve been goofing off and procrastinating then remembered that they played Fantasy by Earth, Wind and Fire on the radio Friday morning. I thought how nice that they are playing something different when the old stand by is to play September.
I can’t pass an Earth, Wind and Fire song without singing it. Their music was my saviour in my childhood. It’s funny now as I look back at some of the titles of their albums that it makes sense that in my depressions I turn back to their music to make me feel better. Their albums were titled: Head to the Sky, Open our eyes, That’s the way of the world, gratitude, Spirit, Raise! How could I not help but find something positive from those titles.
I remember the first song I loved from E,W and F was “Where have all the flowers gone.”
I was in grade three in British Columbia and we used to have to sing that song in music class but boy the way Earth, Wind and Fire sang it. Oh and Philip Bailey’s voice. Who couldn’t love that falsetto? With each new album everything got better and truly it’s only now that I’m recalling the impact.
They made me want to sing and I spent some part of my day every single day of my teenage years singing at least one of their songs, learning the words, absorbing the meaning , developing some of the things that I would ultimately grow up and believe in.
With I’ll Write a Song for you… it was writing, my writing and what impact it could ultimately have. I wanted to write to inspire, because of that song. My brother used to make me sing that song in front of all of his friends.
“We have a magic box, in which is never locked and I’ll write a song for you, you’ll write a song for me, we’ll write a song of love…”

In Fantasy and Imagination, they reassured my troubled mind that it was okay to live part of my life as fantasy, to use my imagination to see what I could have before I had it. All victories begin in our fantasies. We fantasize about loving someone before it happens, we imagine our self in our chosen career before we do it. Deliberate creating, meditating so many things have to start first in your imagination.
” Every thought is a dream, rushing by in a stream, bringing life to the kingdom of doing… All your dreams will come true, right away … Come to see, victory, in a land called fantasy, loving light of new degree, bring your mind to everlasting liberty.”

Getaway told me that I could disappear in to my head when things got tough. Turn it into Something Good (my ultimate get me out of depression song) told me to take all the pain and sadness and turn it into something good, transform it. That’s energy work.
“You can’t hide forever, just decide to make it better, turn it into something good, remember you can choose, not to lose, find your groove and be a winner… Turn it into something good, remember you can hide or just decide to make it better.”

And Reasons just makes you wish you could sing.

And what they did with music that could make me listen for hours just trying to follow one instrument and listen again following another one. They are to music what Picasso was to art, for me anyway. That horn section alone was slamming!

Almost everything that I am interested in or passionate about can be traced back to their music. They were named after the elements used in Astrology but since air didn’t sound right they went with wind instead.
In the accompanying booklet for their The Eternal Dance box set here are some quotes:
By Alan Light written about Maurice White
“… the lyrics infectiously captured White’s buoyant positiveness.”
“Maurice White acknowledges that the musical evolution of Earth, Wind & Fire follows a logical, linear path — Jazz to r&b to funk to the technogrooves of Raise! and Powerlight — held together by African and Latin rhythms; ‘it all comes back to Africa, man. That’s where it all starts.’ Characteristically, though, he credits a higher power with the group’s progression and lengthy popularity. ‘None of this was planned,’ he says. ‘The universe played a part in the whole thing, obviously. We just took our cues from the universe and kept moving on.’”

and quotes written by David Nathan:
“The message in the music was clearly a reflection of White’s vision for the group” ‘From the very start, I had a commitment to be different in terms of music and what was projected on stage. Coming out of a period of social confusion in the seventies, I wanted EW&F to reflect the growing search for greater self-understanding , greater freedom from the restrictions we placed on ourselves in terms of our individual potential.’”
“EW&F’s mission (is) to communicate a philosophy of harmony and unity…”
“There were people who relied on us for the message: we had a responsibility to our community.”

That’s it, I relied on their positivity to get me through my days and nights and years. I’m still grateful.

SW