Writing Zazen

Tuesday, 27 February 2007

White Fresh Snow

Filed under: Daily Practice,I Remember — Silent Warrior @ 5:31 pm

Tuesday 5pm 27Feb07

I love fresh white snow. The sticky fluffy stuff. I love to wear my geeky winter boots, the same kind you wore when you were a kid, the ones that you can step into deep slush with confidence, and kick the snow in my path. I love the sight of marshmallow white trees with their spongy snowy branches like three dimensional paintings. My heart giggles. I am a child again. I am the little sister following my big brother doing whatever he does.

My brother was an adventurer to me, when I was little. If he found me remotely interesting it was a good day in my books.

I excelled physically because I wanted to impress my brother. I wanted him to notice me as an equal. I wanted him to recognize my value. When I was ten, I could out run any of his friends. I impressed him once, when one of the neighbourhood boys called me a nigger and I chased him. He was on his bike and I ran him down, pulled him off the back of his bike by his hair and kicked the shit out of him.
” I guess you won’t call her that again,” my brother said smugly.

At ten, I wanted to keep up with my brother. I climbed moving trains with him and went everywhere he did. At ten, I discovered my limitations in comparison to my brother and made decisions/choices about who I wanted to be if I couldn’t be as good as him.

I wish we remained close. But he decided on distance and I obediently listened to his request.

But when it’s snowy outside. When it’s white and fresh and spongy. When I wear my geeky winter boots that women look at with that judgemental fashion faux pas air. When it’s that certain kind of mild winter air. I forget about everyone around me as if my eyes are closed and I walk and kick that white time machine and I remember those moments of my innocence when the biggest person in my world was my big brother. And I giggle.

SW

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