Writing Zazen

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Cycles and Patterns – The Cycles of Years

It was last year that  Christine Delorey (creativenumerology.com) mentioned going over my previous personal years and writing down all the events I could remember. I took her advice as just, “Oh that’ll be fun and interesting,” not realizing how informative it would really be. I went back into the 1990’s and made notes. This year I’ve been going back further, all the way to my birth. And by the way, if you were ever considering writing your memoirs, this will be a perfect undertaking.

This year, I’m in a personal 9 Year. I’ve taken her advice a step further and I cut and pasted all my previous 9 years into this year’s notes to see at a quick glance what I can learn from the past that will help me today.
Early on, I seemed to sense what the themes would be or maybe what my focus would be for this year. This year for me, is about clearing out the past – and as I’ve discovered through looking at my previous 9 years – Trusting in the Universe.

In looking back at my previous 9 years, I kept it simple. I asked, What have I done in previous 9 years and I listed all that I can remember.  

In previous 9 years, I have had major changes that were originally painful but I was happy with the change in the end. I’ve dated disappointing men  – a theme of them who all virtually said the same thing either in actual words or with actions (in 1985, 1994, and 2003!)and they all showed up when I was at my happiest (when I felt good about myself) and they wiped it out! When they were done I’d  lost some of my light and it felt like a struggle to get it back.

In 2003 My new male theme was to meet men who were taken but only said so after I started to show interest in them after they’d been trying to get my attention. I’ve met at least one per year (every year) since then.

 I realized a lifelong goal in one 9 year (1994).

I had a note in my personal manual that says “Remember 2003 when I left my job and trusted that the money would appear and it did!”

I’ve left major jobs that everyone said I was crazy for leaving (1994, 2003). In 2003, not only did I leave a major job that everyone said I was crazy for leaving but I decided not to look for work. I decided that for once in my life, I was going to Trust the Universe without fear, that the universe would provide for me. And it did. I was out of work most of the year, I lived off my savings, worked one shift a week at my part-time job, and I took a course that was $2500, (a lot of money when you don’t have a job!), and other money appeared. And when I thought that I would need to work soon because I was going to need money for rent, my old boss called me and said, “Hey, you want to come back for a 1 year contract?” I was working a week later. That information is so important for me to know. To help me to relax, because I forgot about that time in the new cycle of personal years running from personal year 1 to this year, my personal year 9.

Teaching in my 9 year what I learned in my previous 9 years:

Also I’ve been telling friends this. Artists who have spoken to me about their sadness for a good thing ending (a great show with great cast and relationships or a full-time music playing gig coming to an end) I’ve told them, ‘You created this good so create more of it.”

A friend who has been looking for an apartment and was in the stressful zone, I said, “write down the qualities of what you want  in your  new apartment and let the Universe take care of it.” Last report, she told me that her current landlord has given her more time to look for a new place and the places she has been looking at have been more within her interest and what she can afford.

Another friend I was telling about paying off my credit card and how I wrote down as a goal that I would pay it off by June 2012. That I had no way of knowing how it would be paid but just to trust that the Universe would help me, guide me to getting it paid. And it was paid before June 2012.

In 2003, I started that cycle of trust but somewhere along the line I lost my way. That’s why I have a document that I call my Manual of Me where I keep track of stuff. It’s so easy to get off track, to get distracted.

Trust in The Universe
In this personal 9 year, I want to go back to living in that Trust that continues on in each new personal year and not just in Personal 9 years. That is my new goal, I know it works.
EY

My Personal 8 Year

Filed under: Daily Practice,Inspiration — Silent Warrior @ 6:53 pm

I went through 4 years of complete hell. The more time spent in hell the more I turned to Christine DeLorey’s  wisdom. Creative Numerology . Finally at the end of my personal 7 year in 2010 which brought me to my knees, I decided to purchase Christine’s personal year book for my personal 8 year which would be in 2011. Mostly because my personal 8 year was going to move me in a positive direction. One of the things Christine had mentioned to me personally in our Facebook communications was that if I faced down the demons of my 7 year, my personal 8 year would clear out most of the junk and dirt. I had to be brave. The personal 8 year would be more of a solitary year but with a difference.

In 2011, my personal 8 year, I found that it took me a few months, probably three, to shake off the stench of the previous year and the fear of the previous four years. It was interesting, I entered 2011 with the attitude of, “If I have to fight for my rights, my voice, my value, I will burn everything down in my path.”  but I also had the trepidation that “more of the same” might be my destiny. You know how when you first get off a motorcycle your legs are still vibrating? Well my everything was still vibrating. I was focused on climbing out of the shit pile but that shit smell was still following me a little.

I’m big on themes and titles and at some point I called 2011 “Solitary with a Purpose.” By the end of 2010 (my 7 year) I declared that the push and pull and abuse of the year was all orchestrated to make me say it… I wasn’t going to be a door mat for anyone anymore. I would try to be nice about it first but since the previous hell years proved time and again that that not every one could hear nice, I’d have to make the decision to speak up for myself in all incidences. ‘It doesn’t matter, things will happen the way they happen, speak up for yourself!’ I promised myself that I would yell it until they heard me. And if certain people still couldn’t hear that, then they had to go. No looking back. I’m done with you, cross the street if you see me. ha-ha!

At some point within 2011, I realized that the Solitary with a purpose theme was to enable me to hear my  voice and dream my answers. I’m not big on unsolicited advice because it blocks out my voice and when my voice is blocked I don’t remember the dreams I have at night that actually provide me with the answers that I need.

I started keeping notes of any event that felt pertinent. And now as i look back they will provide me with info for years to come.

In January, I made a decision about a person I had an acrimonious relationship with that not only would I get my act together (Make a plan) but I would move on when I said so (my decision, not his). I wasn’t going to simply run away.

In February, I was ‘walking in anger’ as I called it in my notes. I was confrontational and I was calling it as I saw it. Yes a few people were left in tears, it was a process that was needed. The pendulum swings to extremes before it comes to the middle.

In April, during the Easter Long weekend, I had what I call a Spiritual Awakening that included a complete emotional breakdown/ release. I love the timing of life sometimes. Right on time! The Thursday before Good Friday I watched You Tube videos of elephants specifically a series on Shirley and Jenny. (We can watch TV and be on the computer at my part-time job.) By the time my co-worker came to give me my break, I was brimming with emotion. I tried to tell her about those videos and all that they were teaching me but instead I went into these uncontrollable sobs. The best part of it all was I kept trying to stop the sobbing and I kept trying to talk.

What a scary mess of an ugly crying emotional tornado. The poor kid, she was 19 years old, so adorable and innocent looking AND her name means innocent! She’s watching me meltdown like the wicked witch of the west being doused with water. I kept begging myself to walk away and stop talking so I could get my composure but I had no control over any of it. I couldn’t stop sobbing, I couldn’t stop talking, I couldn’t stop any of it. I finally went to the washroom to clean up the evidence of the ugly crazy cry and then I went outside. I went around the corner so if anyone else who came out on their break they wouldn’t see me or talk to me because I knew that I would lose it again.

I’m standing outside and I look up at the sky and there are these clouds. The shape of the clouds? Six elephant heads looking down at  me like a cameo you wear on a necklace. Mother elephants. I started to cry softly and said to the Universe, to God, to All That Is, ‘tell me what you want me to do. I’ll do whatever you tell me.’
I felt the message, “Forgive and move into your light.”
You know that voice inside that whispers only once? It was that voice.
I nodded my head.

Apologizing to my innocent co-worker yet again when I went back, she told me a story of her own crazy cry that she had in front of all of her co-workers and a customer. I held my hand up to my mouth, my eyes wide and whispered “No!”
She says, “yeah, we’re women, we cry!” Wise words from the innocent!

As you may have guessed there were elephants in my dreams that night and when I woke the next morning, my morning pages were filled with what it meant to me to step back into my light. And how I need to forgive myself as much as the other people and situations that I need to forgive. I finished the morning pages in time to watch the only morning show that I watched then, Unscripted. It’s an interview show that only shows the person answering the questions. The person on Good Friday was actress, Dee Wallace of Steven Spielberg’s ET movie fame. Unscripted Dee Wallace

So here I am listening to Dee Wallace reiterating what I just  wrote in my morning pages and she gives me a better affirmation, “I want to Feel good,” which became my guiding light from there on. Instead of speaking up in anger to people, I was telling them, “You’re a worth while human being and you deserve honesty. I want to feel good so I cannot have you in my life anymore. “ Imaginez – Vous? As my mother used to say.

I could have used all of the accusations and said screw off but instead I truly felt the gift in forgiving the past and moving on in a way that we could both feel good about. I want to feel good so I won’t be mean to you. And I want to feel good so I’m cutting you free from my life and me free from yours.

Elephants! I could re-hash all the reasons why I’m moving on, but it doesn’t matter, what will make me feel good is moving forward. I wish you the best and I hope that you too can find what makes you feel good.  I also bought Dee Wallace’s book Bright Light, simply because I couldn’t’ get my hands on Conscious Creation. Having since read both books, I actually prefer Bright Light.

In July I had the only major angry out burst of the year. In my notes, I call it an Emotional Detox. It was with the person I’d had the acrimonious relationship with for the past few years. In retrospect, I think he needed to see me reach my limit.

Four days later, when we had an opportunity to talk with calmer heads (my calmer head, he never lost it), we had a heart to heart that transformed our relationship. We had a heart to heart where I fully understood what he was going through and my compassion was ignited. We had a heart to heart and everything that went before was forgiven and absolved.

In my personal 8 year, I learned that miracles happen. That I don’t always have to walk away which has been my M.O. throughout my life. That I can feel good and let go of people who I’ve outgrown. And when I’ve tried every angle, I can lose my cool and transform everything.

EY

The Women I Follow

Your Personal Year

I’ve been chatting with friends lately about knowing your personal year and getting in depth with looking at your patterns in life.  I’m completely fascinated with cycles and patterns in life.

I’ve always called my bouts with depression cycles of downtime that are healthy when they are simply a month and problematic when they last over a year. Knowing my personal year and then ultimately looking over years of personal years has helped me to see patterns, cycles and themes in my life.

I’ve been following Christine Delorey’s work since at least 2006. On her websites she provides so much free information like your personal year forecast, plus monthly and weekly ones as well. Check her out, read her work and once you see how accurate her work is, buy her work.  That’s how I end up supporting people, by the way. It’s through a person’s free work that ultimately enables me to trust and then happily pay for all that they’ve given. I trust Christine, she has helped me to discover so much.

Truly if you want to gain powerful insights into yourself and your life, run over to her website and find out what your numbers are.

I follow other women: Susan Miller’s Astrology Zone and Guru Rattana’s New Millennium Being. Susan Miller’s monthly forecast is best for me to know specific transits, like the new moon, full moon etc. Guru Rattana helped me to look at the signs we are in, we’re currently in Gemini, and create a focus pertaining to that signs qualities. Plus she got me interested in Kundalini Yoga as a practice that fits more with my personality.

I’ve always believed that yoga had a spiritual focus which included meditation, and chanting as well as the physical aspect. Kundalini Yoga fits with my belief.

Like my relationships, I don’t jump into anything quickly. I’ve read all of the women for years before I purchased their product and when I did, I felt I had no choice because I believed in their work. I purchased Christine’s book Life Cycles several years ago and I continue to purchase it as gifts or at the least recommend it as a “must buy.”

Christine DeLorey’s – Creative Numerology WordPress
Christine DeLorey’s – Creative Numerology.com
Susan Miller’s – Astrology Zone
Guru Rattana’s – New Millennium

EY

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Drunk on writing – Ray Bradbury

Filed under: Daily Practice,Inspiration — Silent Warrior @ 4:45 pm
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Ray Bradbury passed away today at 91 years old. He has always provided me with the best writing inspiration. His ideas have always felt like that element of play or better yet, that child who never grows up and continues to access that part of the mind that is spontaneous, and fun and ready to explore. Here are some quotes of his that have inspired me over the years:

“I don’t think I know what writers block is. I never had it. My typewriter goes everywhere I go. I get up at 3am everyday, head for the keyboard, laugh a lot, then go to bed. It takes him 2 hours to write a poem, half a day to finish a short story, 9 days for a full – scale novel.
His secret?
Let your subconscious take over, keep your intellect out of the  way. Be passionate about what you’re doing. When you start a love affair, the last thing you want to be is critical right? Don’t look back just write. Go and write.
EY notes – Too funny, lately in my journal,  I’ve been writing about love affairs and infatuation related to writing. You know the beginning butterflies of a new relationship and how you can survive on hardly any sleep? I’ve been trying to translate that into my writing practice. Make it like a new relationship where I’m optimistic about the new person, where everything looks great in the world, every song seems like a love song.

More Ray Bradbury:
WRITING:

All that stuff that’s collected up in my head — poetry and mythology and comic strips and science fiction magazines — comes out in my stories. So you get to a certain age and you’re like a pomegranate, you just burst. And the ideas spill out.

My stories run up and bite me in the leg — I respond by writing down everything that goes on during the bite. When I finish, the idea lets go and runs off.

And what, you ask, does writing teach us?

First and foremost, it reminds us that we are alive and that it is gift and a privilege, not a right. We must earn life once it has been awarded us. Life asks for rewards back because it has favored us with animation.
So while our art cannot, as we wish it could, save us from wars, privation, envy, greed, old age, or death, it can revitalize us amidst it all. (From the preface to Zen in the Art of Writing)

If you can’t read and write you can’t think. Your thoughts are dispersed if you don’t know how to read and write. You’ve got to be able to look at your thoughts on paper and discover what a fool you were. (Salon.com, August 29, 2001)
On Ideas –  “They come from inside, for their own reasons. I wake up every morning and there’s a new one there and it says, ‘I’m next! Write me!’ So I write it. I never know what I’m going to write from day to day.”

“Write about what interests you. Write and read every day. Keep the juices flowing. If you write what you love, you never have a dry spell.”

“The people who have mental blocks are the people who do things they shouldn’t be doing. The people who take screenplays they shouldn’t write or books they shouldn’t write – they’re going to wind up with dry spells, because their subconscious says, ‘I’m going to cut off the water works!”

“There’s an Egyptian myth I heard about years ago that when you die as an Egyptian and you go off to visit the gods the first question asked of you at the gates of heaven is ‘Did you have enthusiasm?’ And if you answer negatively you don’t get in.

Optimal behavior – I ask of you and others optimal behavior, and if you behave every day, and get your work done, and do it with love, at the end of a day, a week, a month, a year, whatever, you have a feeling of optimism — because you have done your work. If you don’t do your work , you get depressed and you’re pessimistic. There are the two opposites right there.

“I have an ant farm in my head. Metaphors and ideas crawling all over each other.”
When a book really needs to be written. It’s urgent, like literary appendicitis. In writing, you operate on yourself and save yourself.

“I’m not in charge. My subconscious does all the work. When it’s ready to do something it does it. I don’t think about these things — they just happen automatically. Time passes, sometimes you finish things quicker — in a week or a month, sometimes it’s two or three years.”
There’s a time between waking up and being fully awake when your mind is relaxed and things come to you and you are surprised by them and you jump out of bed and run and write them down.

I’m very unusual in that I write a series of short stories, and then very late on in time, discover I’ve written a book.

I think we’re all born to become ourselves and our job in life is to find out just who in hell we are, because we don’t always know that immediately. Over a period of time you experiment and try and find out where your true self lies.

Ray Bradbury

Over the past five decades, Bradbury has managed to create a tremendous amount of work in several genres, including short stories, plays, novels, film scripts, poems, children’s books, and nonfiction. He attributes this prolific production to a consistent daily writing routine. He also utilizes a spontaneous writing technique similar to the automatic writing of the surrealists.

If you stuff yourself full of poems, essays, plays, stories, novels, films, comic strips, magazines, music, you automatically explode every morning like Old Faithful. I have never had a dry spell in my life, mainly because I feed myself well, to the point of bursting. I wake early and hear my morning voices leaping around in my head like jumping beans. I get out of bed quickly, to trap them before they escape.”—Ray Bradbury

The Ray Bradbury Routine – 1000 words a day – “Everyday for 2 hours, I begin a new short story, sometimes finishing  it, or write an essay or poem. This routine has continued for sixty five years.”
1 – Write Daily – if you don’t write daily, what would happen is that the world would catch up with  and try to sicken you. If you did not write everyday, the poisons would accumulate and you would begin to die, or act crazy, or both.
2 – Gently lie and prove the lie true …everything is finally a promise… what seems a lie is a ramshackle need, wishing to be born…
3 – Formula – Find a character, like yourself, who will want something or not want something, with all her heart. Give her running orders. Shoot her off. Then follow as fast as you can go. The character, in her great love, or hate, will rush you through to the end of the story.”
4 – Write quick. In quickness is truth. The faster you blurt, the more swiftly you write, the more honest you are. In hesitation is thought. In delay comes the effort for a style, instead of leaping upon truth which is the only style worth dead falling or tiger-trapping
5 – Write at least thousand words a day everyday; discover the treats and tricks that come with word association; put down brief notes and descriptions of loves and hates.

6 – make lists of titles, put down long lists of nouns. Run through those lists, pick a noun and then sit down to write a long prose poem-essay-story on it.

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. ~Ray Bradbury
EY Notes – That is my favourite quote. I remember when I used to work  at a Department Store back in the day. Any one who works in customer service knows that working with the general public can be trying. People can be rude, demanding, exhausting. It can be easy to start your day in a great mood and have someone wipe it right out. I learned how to stay away from giving up my energy or my good moods by keeping my focus on what I was going to write when I got home from work. A customer could be rude and I could just let it slide off my shoulders without a care because I would always bring my focus back to my writing. Even with friends then, I never got involved with the jealousies. If I was left out of an invitation I shrugged my shoulders and kept my focus on my writing. That to me is being drunk on writing. I used to have a saying then that I kept in mind, “If I notice what everybody else is doing, I’ve taken my eyes off the goal.” If there was ever a great goal for me to have again, it’s to go back to being drunk on writing. 😉

EY

Monday, 28 May 2012

Anthony Robbins – Writing Improvement Program

Filed under: Daily Practice,Inspiration — Silent Warrior @ 8:32 am
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1-    Write down what your current writing situation is. Write the truth

2-    What are the rituals that have put you here?

3-    What do you want? What is your vision?

4-    What are the rituals that will get you there?

Choose the pain of discipline or the pain of regret

Monday, 14 July 2008

I have moved!

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 7:30 am

Visit me at Writing by Kaizen

Saturday, 8 March 2008

Practice

Filed under: Daily Practice,Inspiration — Silent Warrior @ 1:00 pm
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Saturday 8March08 12:26pm

Some of the pieces I have added to my daily practice include which began on my writing retreat:

Rumi Wakeup – I got this from Wayne Dyer’s book Inspiration, Your Ultimate Calling (one of my favorite books). He discusses that time in the early morning when you wake up (between 3am and 4am) and you don’t have to get up. The thing is to actually get up. It’s based on a Rumi poem that says something along the lines of, “The morning breeze has something to tell you, don’t go back to sleep.” I’m not always religious about it because I love sleeping but eventually I will be. I love the 4am hour for its peacefulness. I do stream of consciousness writing and record my dreams from the night before.

I do the Adi Mantra from Kundalini Yoga – Ong Na Mo Guru Dev Namo. Which means I bow to the Creator, to the Divine teacher within. From that I move into my stretches and a Kundalini Yoga set and another chant. I’m slowly starting to add 15 minutes of silence, that I want to do twice a day before I write. It’s kind of hard to sit silent for 15 minutes straight but I’ll get it. As Quincy Jones would say, “It’s ragged but I’ll get it.”

I’ve been doing a couple of writing exercises to get the words flowing. One is from 30 Ways to Help You Write by Fran Weber Shaw, which I used to do years and years ago. You write “Now I’m Sitting Here and…” at the top of the page, then relax all the muscles in your body and listen to the sounds. Then you write nonstop for two or three pages and stop. That was how I used to do all of my writing, so needless to say, I’m getting back to beginner’s mind as Natalie Goldberg so aptly calls it.

And another exercise that I got from a writing newsletter where you write down three random words like ‘pimps, women, black music’ and with those words write a scene for my novel. You basically come up with three words for 15 scenes of your novel and write each scene starting the first sentence with one of those words and including the other two words in the first paragraph. I guess it gets your mind away from thinking about how to start. It’s crazy but it works.

I also write a series of affirmations in my steno from an article I read on manifestation in Mind Power News, an email newsletter that I receive. I’ll look for the article and post it. Basically it’s 4 affirmations: 1- What I am doing now (some goal that I want to realize) 2- How I support myself in realizing that goal 3- The good feelings I have for realizing that goal and 4- A Thank You to the Universe or God.

And overall, I’m enjoying the abundance I already have in my life. I have books galore and enough inspirational CD’s and meditation tapes and CD’s to cure all of Toronto. Ha Ha! So I’m making it a point to listen to and enjoy what I have. I belong to the Spiritual Cinema so I have all these great movies and short films. I’m building a DVD collection because my breakfast buddy buys me DVD’s for birthdays and Christmas. And Music? Well anyone who knows me knows I have an insane amount of music, what with working at Sam’s years ago and having that itunes addiction and importing anyone’s music collection that I can. And I also belong to Simply Audio so I have a decent amount of audio books. If I didn’t leave my house for a year I still wouldn’t make it through all the stuff I have. And with my comfy bed? Praise God I am blessed!

I’ll see if I can find the manifestation article…

SW

Building Momentum

Filed under: Daily Practice,Inspiration — Silent Warrior @ 12:20 pm
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8March08 Saturday 11:46am
It’s another snowy day in Toronto. I can’t believe how much snow we’ve had this year. Most people are complaining but I don’t really have much to complain about. I really do enjoy when we have distinct seasons. It always bodes well for the Summer. You have to live through the dark in order to enjoy the light, or something like that.

I am finally feeling like I’m living in more light and less dark, which is always a good thing. And the best part is that I’m feeling grateful for the light. So snow schmoe, no worries!

I made it past another birthday. I wasn’t sure how that was going to pan out since the money is still funny from the big pain of 2007. I had no ideas what to do for my birthday and I was contemplating letting it pass by unmentioned. My friend frogs legs had the brilliant idea to go to Southern Accent for eats and a psychic reading on Feb 29th, the day before my birthday (otherwise known as my alternate birthday). It was six women and a very cute, flirty server and lots of laughs. My girlfriend Jojo provided most of the entertainment regaling us with her stories. It was great being in the company of all strong minded women. And the psychic reading was stellar! That never hurts. Plus what she said fell in line with my goals for my personal 2008, which began on March 1st. The night was ended with a few hours of Karoake, the Carpenters (Thanks frogs legs), much laughter and a promise to do that shit again!

On the Wednesday before my birthday, I had the brainwave to extend my weekend and turn it into a writing retreat in my apartment. That I could afford. I used to do them periodically but with the big pain of 2007 and all the other dramas it sort of fell by the way side and then some. All of a sudden I was super excited about my birthday. I worked on my itinerary (writing, meditations, juices and healthy foods, inspirational CD’s, and mild workouts like stretching and Kundalini Yoga). It was a fantastic weekend which helped me to ground myself, get back in touch with my novel in progress and make a commitment to the practice of Kundalini Yoga. After several years of following/reading Guru Rattana’s New Millenium Being and doing some of the chants she recommends in it and really feeling the benefits of it, I found that it was time to make it my daily practice.

My three day weekend was a perfect way to build momentum for my goals and get away from the chatter. I didn’t watch television, no telephone and no internet (although I did go on Facebook a couple times to check out the birthday wishes, but it was mere moments.) On the Monday, I went to the book store and bought Kundalini Yoga, The Flow Of Eternal Power by Shakti Parwha Kaur Khalsa as taught by Yogi Bhajan. And I went on to itunes to buy various versions of the mantras that I wanted to practice. I burned a couple CD’s of the mantras. I’ve been sleeping during the week with the main CD on and find that I have calmer, more peaceful sleeps and I feel more able to deal with the frustrations that come up at work and in life. So it’s all good.

My next thing to save up for is the offerings at Guru Rattana’s website http://www.yogatech.com. She has packages with DVD’s and books that I would sure love to order. I’ve been finding that the exercises (sets) that I’ve been doing each day have been relieving my arthritic feet which is a huge bonus. And my writing focus has been great.

Life is always going to have it’s elements of frustrations, I figure, but it’s sure nice to have a practice that helps me to cope without sabotaging relationships or being a total shut in.

SW

Monday, 25 June 2007

Budgeting

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 7:21 pm

Monday 25June07

I was going to go to the park and do some picnic writing again but somehow got all caught up with working on a new budget. Writing is going well. I’ve been pretty focused on my novels. I’ve found that since I’m reading through my major novel that I’ve been working on for ten years that I still need to write. So I’ve been doing some freeflow writing for two of my other novel ideas. Neither novel has taken on a bigger life of it’s own than the other or both novels have me equally as excited. So I work on both until…

I want to organize my time a little better to get more blog entries going and I’ll work that out step by step. I act like I don’t work full time nor have a social life and I wonder why I can’t do everything. But I’m here and I love writing and I notice that things get to me a lot less when I’m focused on the worlds of my characters and it’s all good. It brings me back to that place where I used to live. Partially in my own imagination and partially in the real world. It feels to me the best way for me to live my life.

SW

Monday, 11 June 2007

Picnic Writing

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 8:48 pm

Monday 9:37pm 11June07
I came home after work, freshened my sweaty self up so I didn’t kill anyone I came close to. I packed up my bags with writing material, food, Cd’s and my disc man. I still haven’t got an ipod. I walked out the house and over to the park.

Of course my batteries were dead ass dead so I had to go to the store to buy more. I set myself back up on a park bench with my Prince Cd’s and blared some tunes and wrote like a fiend. My Prince always inspires me!

I’m thinking I’m going to be doing the poor man’s summer. I’ll be sitting in a lot of parks during the week and writing. And doing a patio each weekend, hopefully. I really want to be diligent about paying off my bills and parks are still free. But I’m not psycho. I still need a reasonably priced outing each week to feel like I’m taking advantage of the summer and patio weather.

Got a lot of writing done. Wrote a full prologue for Women of the Fold. Got some sun and fresh air. Spent some quality time being inspired by my Prince. And enjoyed the freedom of being single and not having to think about someone else and what they would rather do.

EY/SW

Friday, 11 May 2007

Reality Bites?

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 5:22 am

Friday 11May07 6:12am

I’m finally starting to feel almost like my normal self. Just this morning. I think I’ll go swimming after work.

Taurus seems to be about reality for me and facing the reality in every aspect of my life. And yes, sometimes, reality bites the big one. It’s been a quiet week on the EY front. I’ve felt drained of all need to converse with pretty much anyone. Someone last night mentioned that I wasn’t quite myself. A subtle difference, I was told. It was nice to have someone peg it especially since I’ve said nothing to anyone about how I’ve been feeling.

My boys have been their normal teasing, joke cracking selves and I haven’t had it in me to do the dance. But when all else fails it’s back to the drawing board. Find something to inspire. Eat super healthy. Move my body. And find the joke in life.

That’s where I am this morning.
EY/ SW

Friday, 20 April 2007

Lost Without You!

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 5:13 pm

Robin Thicke – Lost Without U: Herve Romain Dedication, Closed Captioned

Can this guy and song be more beautiful?

His wife is lucky!

SW

Tuesday, 17 April 2007

Angel at my feet

Filed under: Daily Practice,Inspiration,Warrior Woman Says — Silent Warrior @ 2:58 am

I conked out at 6:30pm last night and slept right through to 2:30am. I honestly thought I’d sleep for a couple hours and then get up and write. Fooled me. The only reason why I woke up was because my downstairs neighbours were banging a hammer or something. I figure their downstairs neighbours were making noise and they were banging their disapproval. Considered going down stairs to bang on their heads but thought better of it. Who needs a fight at 2 o’clock in the morning.

It’s peaceful now. Just a nice hum. The cats all sleep on their separate perches. The tap is dripping. That’s the extent of the noises at this time. I get the odd whiff of Orange scented pinesol of which I mopped the floors with on Sunday.

Lolo made it safely to Korea and is stoked about her new apartment. Front loading washing machine… I’m jealous.

Was in a mood for most of Monday. Announced to a contractor, “I’m not feeling very patient today, so you need to get to the point.” Ado laughed and said he felt sorry for whoever made the mistake of crossing my path.

I don’t know what it was that made me so moody. My thoughts got dark. I could understand why some people end their lives in suicide. The feeling that the problems never end and thinking, why bother? I used that energy for Rachel and wrote a small segment of White Wishes with Rachel feeling that sense of defeat with her alcoholic husband and her children that she had to care for no matter how tired she feels or defeated. It helped. There are days when you want to get back to the Source, when you know it’s up to you to feel connected but you just can’t.

I went up to the management office to drop off some stuff. As I came off the freight elevator I saw a glinty token on the floor. I kicked it and figured it was an insignia off a portfolio or something and kept going. When I came back it was still on the floor and I decided to pick it up. On it reads, “Always with you.” On the other side is an Angel.

Ohh! Talk about an immediate mood change. Source connected with me by dropping an angel at my feet. I forget that my life is magical. I forget that I have so many good things to focus on. I have many things to be grateful for: a job and coworkers I genuinely like, a place of my own that truly is my sanctuary, my three cats that make me giggle (Picasso was grooming me last night, rubbing her head against my scalp and then cleaning me), interests and hobbies, life long friends, good health, ideas, more than enough resources (books, music etc).

My buddy who got me into my bar mess called me yesterday morning at 8:30am asking, “You want to meet up on Wednesday?” So I have another outing this week. I figure he’s got news. I also figure I have to prepare myself for the combined teasing that he and Fredo will give me since they like to tag team against me. Bastards!

Today is the new moon. A perfect time to start a new project or a new job and get a new attitude.

Picasso is crying her squeaky cry at the door begging to go explore the hallway. Might as well let her out.
EY

Originally posted on my Writing2live blog.

Tuesday, 3 April 2007

Nervous Energy

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 6:23 pm

Tuesday 7:10pm 3Apr07

Now I’m sitting here at my desk. Still sweating from my brisk walk. Using exercise to harness my nervous energy. Impatience shrouds my thoughts making me restless. I walk down to the water and back home knowing that once I’m finished I’ll be calmer and ready to sit down and write.

I throw my crazy thoughts in the lake like skipping stones. And power walk back home free for a few more hours. I don’t know why it’s so hard to get over what I need to get over but the up side is that it’s getting me off my ass to work out. My thoughts are a few more steps on my pedometer. That’s something to count on.

I admit to wanting to get to the good parts of my life. Not like this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s far more manageable than anything I’ve been through or what some people are going through now. But we are selfish beings aren’t we? We only really know or care about our own existence, if the truth be known. We do anything to distract ourselves from the so-called bad emotions and barely enjoy the good ones when we have them.

Looking forward to the rain that the thunder is currently announcing. I hope it pours all night and there’s a cool breeze blowing through my window while I sleep underneath my electric blanket. I hope the rain is a symbol of my mind being cleansed and tomorrow is a new day and my attitude is optimistic again. I wish I could hear the words I want to hear out of the mouth I want to hear them from. Or at the very least I wish I could stop caring.

SW

Monday, 2 April 2007

Weaning off Anti-Depressant Medication

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 6:55 pm

Monday 7:45pm 2Apr07

I have a friend who is in the process of weaning himself off anti depressant medication. He’s having a bit of a tough time with it. I can’t really imagine what he is going through because I never went on the meds when my doctor prescribed them.

What I did instead was look at the way I think about things and try to guide my thoughts on to better things. Mostly. I took the time I needed and stopped hanging out with people who either didn’t appreciate my giving nature or who bogged me down with all their problems.

Lately I’ve been playing as if I were still a child. I’ve been looking at some of the things that make me feel better like pretending I have a split personality where the tougher personality takes care of the more fragile personality. Warrior Woman guides me and coaches me and gives me the advice that I need. I know that I’m making it all up but it’s working for me. Some times the only way you can go about attacking the frustrations and depressions of life is to go at them from a seemingly ridiculous angle.

I wonder if the people who read my blogs think I’m a crazy whack job. And at the same time I don’t really care as long as I feel good in my life.

I hope my friend can find it within himself to cope. When you realize that everything is inside you, you find all the strength you need.

SW

Tuesday, 13 March 2007

200 Pages still to print

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 6:11 pm

I got my novel in progress all together. Found all the notes and pieces of paper of snippets I’ve written in the last ten years. I’m still in the middle of printing out the sheets that I don’t have in hard copy. Still have 200 more pages to print.

What is that? Absolutely crazy, I think. I just wanted to get it all together and then read through every piece of paper and dig for nuggets in my own writing.

I was reading an entry on Bookcritics.org today about Ian McEwan and his style of composition. I’m realizing that my style is to write like crazy and ten years later decide it’s time to read through it all. I hope I’m a little quicker on my next novel. I may have to live several hundred years to be a prolific writer!

I’m on the last chapter of Wabi Sabi for Writers by Richard R. Powell. Time to choose a new book to read.

SW

Tuesday, 27 February 2007

White Wishes

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 7:56 pm



Writertopia.com

Frustration Turns into Creativity

Filed under: Daily Practice,Writing Progress — Silent Warrior @ 6:16 pm

Tuesday 5:43pm 27Feb07

Yesterday I started the day off with a giggle thinking how relaxing my morning at work was going to be. Well, at least it started that way. Then it turned into a beat down session with me being the one beat down. I answered the phone with exasperation more times than not.

When I got home last night I was sure that I was going to dive into bed head first. I certainly couldn’t blog. No one wants to read about that shit. I didn’t even have the energy to go to the liquor store for a bottle of wine. The thought of standing in line sweating in my layers was akin to some kind of Japanese water torture.

I didn’t think I was going to write at all. I started my journal, ‘Today the wrath of Mercury retrograde reared its angry head in my direction.’ Heck, I was the bullseye! The day was all about communication, miscommunication, hostile communication, Mercury’s domain.

Somehow I figured out that sleeping and/or drinking wasn’t the answer. So I wrote. I wrote my 1 hour mind cleanse for 30 minutes. I wrote my freeflow for my novel and I worked out. In the midst of working out I realized that frustration and anger motivate me.

I wrote in my journal, ‘What a great thing sometimes frustration can be because it stops me and gets me to ask the question, what do I most need to focus on for my sanity and my future? I need to be able to ask that question when I’m not frustrated or angry. I want to feel good. I don’t want to be ruled by a life of roller coaster emotions in order to create because that’s the kind of person I am, the one who loves to create.’

Through the midst of all that I also decided that since I’ve got all my novel notes and drafts and scratchings in one place, I’m going to read everything I have and plug the pieces into appropriate chapters of my novel.

In my journal I wrote, ‘It makes sense to go through all my pieces of writing to throw them all into White Wishes chapters. Read through it, mark up the page and type it into my novel that I’m working on now. Add the daily freeflow stuff that I’m doing for each chapter as well. Just keep adding and reading and reorganizing until I get there. And when I have read through every last bit of paper and have a whole novel then sculpt it like clay into what I want it to be.

I, today, February 26th 2007, feel like I can complete White Wishes and it’s the best feeling ever. I can really do this. How wonderful is that? It’s been a long time coming and there is still more work to do but I finally genuinely feel like I’ve got the right focus. I really need to have that feeling of creating out of thin air (freeflow/ stream of consciousness writing) because I love that feeling but, as well, I can plop the finished pieces together and read them and sculpt the scenes. It’s really really good, this love of what I do.’

Some how I transformed the frustration and channeled it. I’ve been working toward harnessing my energy instead of turning it into depression for years, yesterday I nailed it.

SW

White Fresh Snow

Filed under: Daily Practice,I Remember — Silent Warrior @ 5:31 pm

Tuesday 5pm 27Feb07

I love fresh white snow. The sticky fluffy stuff. I love to wear my geeky winter boots, the same kind you wore when you were a kid, the ones that you can step into deep slush with confidence, and kick the snow in my path. I love the sight of marshmallow white trees with their spongy snowy branches like three dimensional paintings. My heart giggles. I am a child again. I am the little sister following my big brother doing whatever he does.

My brother was an adventurer to me, when I was little. If he found me remotely interesting it was a good day in my books.

I excelled physically because I wanted to impress my brother. I wanted him to notice me as an equal. I wanted him to recognize my value. When I was ten, I could out run any of his friends. I impressed him once, when one of the neighbourhood boys called me a nigger and I chased him. He was on his bike and I ran him down, pulled him off the back of his bike by his hair and kicked the shit out of him.
” I guess you won’t call her that again,” my brother said smugly.

At ten, I wanted to keep up with my brother. I climbed moving trains with him and went everywhere he did. At ten, I discovered my limitations in comparison to my brother and made decisions/choices about who I wanted to be if I couldn’t be as good as him.

I wish we remained close. But he decided on distance and I obediently listened to his request.

But when it’s snowy outside. When it’s white and fresh and spongy. When I wear my geeky winter boots that women look at with that judgemental fashion faux pas air. When it’s that certain kind of mild winter air. I forget about everyone around me as if my eyes are closed and I walk and kick that white time machine and I remember those moments of my innocence when the biggest person in my world was my big brother. And I giggle.

SW

Thursday, 22 February 2007

The Bar

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 8:37 pm

I’m in love! Okay, not with a person, but with a place. It’s a small bar near where I work. I keep telling myself not to become a regular at this bar. It’s nice once in awhile to show up and have a beer to break up the month of going straight home to write. It’s nice once in awhile to go in and socialize and enjoy the cold refreshing beer saturating my tongue. But it’s not my place, it’s not my hang out.

What I discover everytime I go in is that there’s something really magical about it. Everytime I go in there I meet someone new. The key of course could be that I go in there by myself, mind you, I do know enough of the regulars that I could conceivably just talk to them each time and never meet another new person. But I always meet someone new. It’s fascinating. I get to hear funny stories, heart warming stories, personal stories. Stories galore! The place feeds my writer brain. Sometimes I can sit for an hour or so and work on my writing, sometimes I can’t write because the socializing is on high and either way it feeds me.

Someone remarked last night, when I said that I didn’t know what anyone there did for a living, that it was rare to meet a person who didn’t immediately ask that question. I said that I want to talk to people not gauge how much money they may or may not earn. How much money someone makes has never been an interest to me.

At the bar, beautiful things happen in front of me because I expect some type of beauty there. I expect to meet nice people and I always do.

Last night one of the regulars was there and his daughters showed up with his 14 month old grand son. The bartender scooped up the chubby peach of a child and carried him around showing him off to everybody, excited by the size of the child, admiring the child’s sunny face. What a gorgeous occasion to see a man thrilled by children. What a beautiful blessing having the chance to see another side, a tender side of a man. Especially a man. Babies stereotypically fall under a woman’s domain. Women coo and ooh and aah over babies. In our society, men aren’t supposed to.
In Wabi Sabi for writers by Richard R. Powell, he writes, “Male stereotypes pull hard at a boy; male society encourages a kind of brutish toughness. But my heart was born tender and gentle; my strength increased when I turned away from male pride…”
What a joy to see a man that has overcome that noise and who openly enjoys the sight of a chubby baby. I could almost see his heart swelling with joy over this baby. I’d love to see him when he finally has his own child. What a deserving heart for such a sacred experience.

And then there was the tale that Derek told me because I asked… “I hope I’m not being too forward in asking but what happened?”
see Derek’s story next entry.

So slowly I’m becoming a regular in an alternate Cheers universe where everyone is beginning to know my name and I like it. Where the people feed into my writing world and where nice things happen because I’m looking for them.

SW

Derek’s Story

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 8:34 pm

He was a broker. He’d made his first million dollars by the time he was 28 years old. He said that he would have nightmares about money. He’d disappear for days at a time, running off to Vegas getting so doped up and thinking he was in Ajax. He’d call his wife saying he wasn’t sure where he was. She complained to him, you’re working too much, you’re too focused on money, you need to spend more time with me and your sons.

He shrugged off her complaints. She wasn’t complaining about flying off to go shopping with her best girlfriend on his money and not having to work for a living, he thought.

She left him.

He continued on his path.

She got in a serious car accident and broke her neck. The doctor’s called him and told him to bring their sons in to say goodbye to their mother.

He brought them in then spent what was to be her final days with her in the hospital. He took a leave of absence from work and spent all his days at the hospital or taking care of his sons. She kept hanging on.

Eventually her situation started to improve. There was constant care but she was improving. The doctors put steel rods in her neck. He helped her when it was time to go home. He’s continued to spend time with her and care for their sons.

One night they had a long talk. She said that despite loving her sons, she’d always wanted a little girl. They agreed and set out to get her pregnant. Doing what you do.

She’s pregnant and it’s a little girl. Derek moves back in with her in 6 weeks. He quit his job and got another low maintenance job.

He said, “now I’m having nightmares about having a baby. A little girl! Will she be healthy? Will the delivery be too hard on my wife? I’m a complete mess.”

A complete mess? He’s changed his life drastically. He listened to the message that the universe offered him. He’s been given a second chance and he’s taking it.

What a great story and I’m so grateful that he told it to me.

SW

Tuesday, 20 February 2007

Depression and Isolation – Digging for Nuggets

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 6:13 pm

Tuesday 20Feb07 5:27pm

In Wabi Sabi for Writers, Richard R. Powell discusses old world Japan when political leaders resided one year in their home province and one year in Edo and how the travel caused such improvements as roads and construction. Those improvements and movements of people led to the relaxation of class barriers and the flow of ideas, arts, crafts and books. “Literacy was officially encouraged, and in 1639 all foreign books were banned to encourage the reading and writing of Japanese… It was the start of sakoku, a period of cultural isolation. In a way it was a wabi time, a time of solitude and introspection. Sometimes isolation is a good thing, especially when it promotes reading, writing and exploration of what it means to be Japanese, or what it means to be you.”

For me the lines, ‘sometimes isolation is a good thing, especially when it promotes… what it means to be you.’

Some how it brings me back to being diagnosed with depression back in 2002. Because I didn’t want to take anti depressants under any circumstances I had to find ways to get myself out of it. I figured that if it was my thinking that got me there, it would have to be my thinking that got me out. My biggest test was finding a way to trust the universe that everything would work out all right. In 2003, I took the year off working. I quit my full time job and kept my part time job of which I worked one or two shifts a week. I dipped and dipped into my savings until there were no more. I took writing classes at Ryerson and did the Humber School for Writers program at Humber College. I didn’t do as much writing as I hoped but I was plagued with looking for ways to change my thoughts. That really was a full time job.

I wouldn’t allow myself to worry about the money and somehow the money kept arriving from different sources just in time, every time. That will give you a lot of peace for sure. I kept remembering what a psychic told me years ago, “Stop worrying about money, you haven’t died a winter yet. ” So I trusted the universe and the universe rewarded me. It was good.

Through working on my thoughts I found that one of my frustrations was that many of my friends, who all knew that I was diagnosed with depression, were still burdening me with all their problems. I honestly didn’t know how to tell them that they needed to stop burdening me. I’d bring up the depression in conversation but somehow it didn’t sink in that their negativity could be feeding into my depression.

That year off was a God send and a real gift to myself to find myself. When every last cent was about to run out, I was offered a full time job on a year and a half contract and happily took it. I was ready to work again. I was grateful to work with the same people I’d worked with in the past. I was happy that the flow of money would continue. I was happy that for once I trusted the Universe.

With strong legs, I went back to work and joined society once again as a pseudo regular gal. I knew that I’d have to be mindful that I could fall back into depression and I continued my practice. I still wasn’t writing as much as I wanted to but I felt sure that at some point that would pick up.

From 2004 through to 2006, I started to get more focused on the other things that caused my depression. The biggest issue was feeling over burdened by other people’s troubles. I started telling people that I couldn’t be their go to person about every last detail. Some listened, some didn’t. Then I started becoming more protective of my time.

There’s a quote/ comment/ story on a Napoleon Hill tape that I love. It’s about a man who would only associate with winners because he knew that by doing so, he would elevate himself. He goes to eat at a sea food restaurant and orders a lobster. When he gets it, the waiter explains that this lobster got in a fight with another lobster and lost a claw in the battle. The man says, “give me the winner, I want the winner!”

I realized that the same was true about people’s attitudes. If I was surrounded by negative people who focused on their problems all the time I couldn’t expect to stay out of my depression for long. In 2005, I protected my time so much that I hardly hung out with anyone. By 2006, I was able to make the goal to make my writing a priority in my life. I stopped answering the phone if I was writing. I said no to any invitation that didn’t sound appealing to me. I isolated myself. This isolation, however, wasn’t the depressive type of isolation, it was my form of sakoku. I was discovering what it means to be me with out the outside chatter and distractions. In a big city, it’s next to impossible unless you find a way to simplify your life.

For 2007, (my new year starts March 1st) I’ve set a goal to build up to writing 21 hours a week. I haven’t reached it yet but it’s something to strive for. I’d like to write 1000 hours or more in one year. My social life is coming back into full swing with a difference, I leave early if I feel like it , I say no when I don’t feel like going, I don’t stay if I’m not having a good time and I refuse to be the constant sponge for everyone’s burdens. If people need help, I’m more than willing to help, but not every single time at every hour of the day. I also make sure to get some kind of writing done before or after I’ve been social.

It was the peace of my isolation that made me realize how I need a certain amount of time alone. I had to be away from people to appreciate being around people. I had to figure out what my personal boundaries were in order to know when others had stepped on them.

Somehow that Wabi Sabi entry helped me to crystallize what the last five years have meant to me and the work that I’ve done. I didn’t even realize at the time that I was doing work.

SW

Monday, 8 January 2007

It’s all over but the crying.

Filed under: Daily Practice,Writing Zazen - 30 Ways — Silent Warrior @ 8:30 pm

Monday 8:03pm 7Jan07

Now I’m sitting here and I feel good about my accomplishments for the day. I’ve made it to 2.5 hours of writing. Once I make it to my daily 3 hours, I’d like to push into tomorrow’s time. The more I do today, the closer I will get to my 21 hours a week goal. It’s as simple as that.

In the back of my mind, what I’m trying to ignore is the presence of beautiful eyes. I may have dropped the men in my life but they aren’t necessarily listening. I refuse to change my habits and avoid the places I go just because he’s there. Plus I hope that at some point he’ll regret his game playing confusion when he discovers how true a person of my word I am. Made up my mind, you can’t change it. Men love those dares. They love to push you to the edge just to see how much they have to do to change your mind. They just don’t understand that for me, there’s no turning back when I do make the decision of finality. Sucks to be him.

It’s a repeated cycle for me. I have a little interest and the guy gets stupid like he can’t deal with honest interest. Once I lose the interest, he thinks that he can win it back. It’s that male challenge that draws him in. The thrill of the chase. If there is any chasing to be done, I want it in the beginning. I want sure footed interest. I want a man that knows what he wants and knows that I am the one he wants.

If he’s not totally sure, I want him to treat me with friendly respect. What ultimately makes me change my mind is an incident that annoys me. It annoys me on a male/female level and then I tell myself, “Even as a friend, at the very least, he should have handled this better.” Then I acknowledge, “we couldn’t possibly be friends.” And for me it’s over. Because if you can’t even treat me as a friend, how will you treat me as a girlfriend? And that becomes my driving force.

“It’s all over but the crying,” as Jordan used to say.

It happened with R. He wanted to be honest, well, only after I mentioned an intuitive suspicion about his trip. He told me in his quest for full disclosure that he was going across the world to spend two weeks with an ex girlfriend. Ah ha! I said, “I’m not going to tell you what to do. We’re not an item, we haven’t even decided what we want to be to each other past the couple dates we’ve been on. But if you go on this trip there will never ever be a chance for us. I will not change my mind.”

He went. It’s been over ten years now. I haven’t changed my mind. And he’s tried. He’s pulled out every trick and borrowed some too. “I told you to choose and you chose. I hope it was worth the plane fare.”

And beautiful eyes begins his thrill of the chase not realizing that it’s too late, baby, it’s just too late. He dropped a hint that I picked up on and didn’t accept. He waited where he knows I leave and I deeked just behind him unnoticed. I’m not a chance for him to have anymore and maybe in a year or so, he’ll get it.

And in the meantime, I’ve made it to my 3 hours of writing. That’s all that matters

SW

Sunday, 7 January 2007

Creating Money

Filed under: Daily Practice,I Remember — Silent Warrior @ 8:04 pm

Sunday 7Jan07 7:23pm

I pulled out the book Creating Money (by Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer) to read after I gave it to a friend for Christmas. I’ve never worked through the whole book. Every time I’ve used it has been when I was looking for a job and some how would get a job before I’d make it through to chapter 5.

This time around I’d like to work through it to see what surprises come out of it. I’m reading about a chapter a week, writing up notes and ideas and stuff.

“Your intent to have something directs your energy and focuses it on your goals. You create what you are picturing by concentrating on it with attention and awareness, and keeping it in the back of your mind even when you are involved in other activities. When you hold a steady focus on having something, your intent to have it is clear and strong, and you create what you seek more rapidly. You are alert and able to take advantage of opportunities when they come. You draw things to you with ease and joy. Think of something you want right now. Do you inted to have it? Do you think about it even when you are doing other activities?”

That quote brought me back to my good writing days when I had that single minded focus before I started worrying about paying the rent and the bills and such. In those days I would literally do my work at my job and focus on a character thinking about her qualities and the situation she was in. I used to write a short story a week. I’d spend the first day or so thinking about what I wanted to write about. Decide on the character that would most fit the situation. I’d think about it all and then when I felt a click like everything had fallen in to place I’d sit down and write the short story from beginning to end.

I’d forgotten about that. I forgot that I had more of an organized way to write. Of course I can’t totally do that with a novel and sit down and write it in one sitting but i could write a chapter in one to two sittings.
I’ve been doing an hour long freeflow each night and through it I’ve had more ideas for the mother’s point of view in the novel I’m working on. Rachel’s first chapter will start off with her losing the money. She’s been plopped into the fire and that’s an impossible situation. So this week I’ll think about Rachel in the fire and then when I click, I’ll write her through it.

SW

Friday, 5 January 2007

The Weather

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 5:31 am

Friday 5:20am 5Jan07

My other blog is inaccessible this morning. sigh! It’s been happening a lot again.

I haven’t said much about the weather and how unseasonably warm it’s been. I still dress like it’s winter prepared at any moment for some big snowstorm that has yet to happen. It’s funny because there used to be a time when I’d be praying every year for a mild winter but now I know better.

With no good cold weather the yield for frozen grapes to make ice wine is non existent. With no good cold weather hibernating animals come out of hibernation way early. Plus the beauty of a cold winter usually guarantees a hot summer. The summer months are so short I want some kind of guarantee. I want it to be hot. It’s such a long time for summer to come around again if I have to live through a cold one.

It’s not like there’s a complaint department when it comes to the weather. “Um hi, Mother Nature? It’s Silent Warrior and I was wondering if any one else has complained about this winter. It’s just that summer’s so short and if it’s going to be a cold summer because it was a mild winter, well, I’m just saying, I’d rather have a cold winter. Can’t we get back to the distinct four seasons like back in the good old days?”

Nope, nobody to complain to that could make an impact or change things.

SW

Sunday, 24 December 2006

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 7:11 pm

Corinne Bailey Rae – Like A Star

This song makes me feel good.
SW

Monday, 18 December 2006

A Habit

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 7:33 pm

“We are what we repeatedly do,” Aristotle said. “Excellence … is not an act, but a habit.”

I have no plans for New Years eve this year. Well, no social plans. My mother used to always say that what ever you do as the new year rings in, you’ll be doing through out the year. I’ve always made it a point not to be crying. Wouldn’t mind starting out the New Year having sex…

But seriously, over the years, I’ve tried to end my old year and start my new year writing. I don’t know if my mother’s little superstition is true or not but if it is I’d like to end/start it off on the write foot. I’ve tried the New Year’s eve parties that never quite live up to the hype and the expenditure. I’ve tried the clubs and the dinners and the crappy ‘free’ glass of champagne that is worse than drinking baby duck or gasoline.

I also like to write up a letter from my new self in a year from now discussing how I spent the new year. Something like, Dear Silent Warrior, what a great year 2007 has been. I completed my novel, fell in love… and in it include all the goals I’d like to realize. All that I want to be, do and have.

But my main thing is to do some creative writing. Hit that zone, that flow where I lose track of time and am transported on to the clouds of inspiration. I’m engulfed into the Super consciousness where we all have the ability to tap into the ideas and create.

What are you going to do to ring in the New Year?

Hmm, sex and body painting… Body painting’s a form of writing! ha ha

SW

Thursday, 7 December 2006

Memorial – My Mother

Filed under: Daily Practice,I Remember — Silent Warrior @ 6:59 am

7Dec06 Thursday 6:07am

Well it’s today. My mother passed away 10 years ago today. I’ve lit some candles in her honour.

My mother would be 64 years old. Still very young. Still younger than most of my friends parents. My mother would love the Internet and digital cameras and itunes.

My mother had a grade 6 education having been kicked out of school for hitting a kid in the head with an ink bottle after he’d called her a nigger. When she got home and told her father he’d beat her for being a trouble maker and only after he’d beat her got the whole story and went back to the school to tell off the teacher who’d sided with the boy. My mother who won all the singing contests and wanted to be a Country singer. Her first contest , she’d lost, because she was too shy and kept looking down at the stage. Her father beat that shyness out of her. His answer to everything was a beating. My mother who didn’t have a belly button because she was born sickly and all the operations she’d had as a baby left without one. She was a sickly baby and cried a lot and her mother couldn’t take it so she gave my mother to her father who was married to someone else. Yeah my mother had stories for sure. It’s any wonder that I like to write.

My mother was a charismatic person and made friends with every one including my step father’s ex wife. She could go to a store twice and end up having the salespeople loving her so much that they’d give her merchandise for free. I don’t have those qualities or patience. She honestly believed that there was good in every one and if you gave someone enough chances he’d become that good person that she could picture in her mind’s eye. She would let anyone in her house, people that weren’t particularly nice to her, women that were after her man. I had no patience for it. “It’s your house mom, you don’t have to be nice to people like that in your own house,” I’d say.
“You’ll understand when you’re older,” she’d tell me. That has yet to happen.

My mother was a runner, living most of her adult life incognito, after we ran from my father who was a violent alcoholic. She endured violence and pain and humiliation and she still managed to wake up each morning with a smile on her face. Some of our best laughs were the first thing in the morning. She was superstitious, believing such things like, “If you laugh all day, you’ll cry all night” and “everything comes in threes.”

She was zany and would change the words to sweet songs into sex songs. One of my favorite past times. Our big thing was to come up with a song that matched the words that one of us just spoke and if we couldn’t we’d make up a song.

With my mother, I went to night clubs at 13 years old. I hung out with adults. We smoked joints and played frisbee on the Mountain.
We had drink nights at home, just the two of us, where we listened to music and tried all kinds of wines and even did tequila shots. We were the envy of all mothers. She was the first person that knew when I was ready to have my first sexual experience with my boyfriend of 4 years. She was the first person that I told what I was thinking.

My mother made so many mistakes in life and endured so many failures and believed and loved and loved some more. She picked the runt of the litter every single time. She rescued strays (animals and humans). She was allergic to everything in her house (cats, dogs, birds, carpeting) and refused to give them up or get the shots. She survived with bottles of Otrivin strategically placed around the house. She was a music lover and we always had the latest music and a state of the art music system despite my step father’s complaints that spending money on music was frivolous. She’d sneak the new records in the house when he wasn’t looking. She was a plant fanatic and had exotic plants from all over the world. Plants that she’d have to soak in water for 24 hours and all sorts of craziness. She couldn’t walk past a plant store without staying in there for at least an hour. That’s me with book stores.

She had a grade 6 education and was the smartest person I knew. My step father mocked her for her lack of University degree and she had self esteem issues and yet when ever he needed to understand something, it was my mother he asked for the explanation. I knew because of my mother that you can educate yourself without school. She absorbed everything and when she decided she wanted to know how to do something she’d immerse herself in the books and she’d learn how to do it. a Grade 6 education! I have yet to meet anyone that I feel was as smart as my mother.

She knew people from all walks of life, from drug dealers, pimps, bank robbers, doctors, club owners and right on up and she never judged anyone for who they decided to be and what they decided to do.

Yeah she was my mommy, my sister, my best friend. She was the person I fought with the most and the person I turned to to cry and the person I told everything and the person I’d give my youth to if it were possible. She was the person that I’d kill for and the person I protected, much to my Step dad’s fear. There will never be another person whose death will be harder on me than losing my mother.

Ten years is a long time for so many things like being at a job or studying and yet such a short time for mourning the death of my mother. Alice Patricia Norville… Pisces Horse.

EY

Sunday, 3 December 2006

Words on the page

Filed under: Daily Practice,Upper A Riffing — Silent Warrior @ 6:15 pm

Writing Challenge – Upper A Riffing
Pick 5 random words out of a dictionary or thesaurus and write a piece using those words. Don’t think, just write! This isn’t supposed to be a work of art, it’s just practice to get you to write without editing.

The Words:
compact, stiff, chair, refresh, spectacular

The Piece:
I sit stiff in my chair
squashing my fears into a compact
willing my brain to refresh
until I see that spectacular screen in my mind’s eye
that screen that guides my words on to the page.

SW

First Writing Class

Filed under: Daily Practice,I Remember — Silent Warrior @ 5:26 pm

A warm up mentioned in The Weekend Novelist by Robert J Ray is to write for ten minutes using the start line, “I remember…”

I remember when I took my first writing class in the 1980’s that Michael Zizis wrote on the board, Write to Disturb.
I remember that I found a good rhythm and was able to write a short story a week. I’d come up with the story idea that I wanted to write about. Name a character and think about her as much as possible. I’d think about what she wanted, the predicament she was in, how she could possibly get out of it. I’d think about it until I’d feel almost a silent click in my head that told me, that’s it! Then I’d sit down and write it from beginning to end. No stopping until the story was complete. Once the story was complete, I’d go back and revise it.
It’s so much easier to revise something after it’s been written rather than revising as it’s written, for me anyway.

SW

Thursday, 30 November 2006

Chopping Down Some Walls

Filed under: Daily Practice,Upper A Riffing — Silent Warrior @ 8:14 pm

Writing Challenge – Upper A Riffing
Pick 5 random words out of a dictionary or thesaurus and write a piece using those words. Don’t think, just write! This isn’t supposed to be a work of art, it’s just practice to get you to write without editing.

The Words:
memories, limitations, guard, great, voyage

The Piece:

What a great voyage
my memories can take me on
time travelling back to when
I put up my guard
developed all these false limitations
I’m going to write my way through each memory
use my words as the axe
that chops down those walls.

SW

Wednesday, 29 November 2006

Rushing Home to Write

Filed under: Daily Practice,I Remember — Silent Warrior @ 8:38 pm

A warm up mentioned in The Weekend Novelist by Robert J Ray is to write for ten minutes using the start line, “I remember…”

I remember when I used to rush home from work to write. I’d eat something quick, crank up my tunes and sit down at my desk to write. I lived in High Park then on Parkside Drive. I had three other room mates. A guy that grew his own marijuana in his bedroom. His girlfriend who was from Estonia. And another guy who turned me on to the Eurythmics. I can’t for the life of me remember any of their names except the girl Epp. She was the one that mentioned that I might try keeping a daily notebook instead of waiting for inspiration.

In those days, I’d read a writing handbook and do all the writing exercises in it. I didn’t want to take a writing class until I felt I had the skills to write something. I believed that people who took writing classes already knew how to write.
In those days, I’d get ready for bed and keep sitting up to write down the conversations running around in my mind, the poem fragments, the comments. Sometimes I went to work with blood shot eyes because I’d been up so late transcribing the voices in my head.

I remember a long period where I didn’t have a lot of friends. I didn’t associate with the people I worked with at the Bay. I liked to keep my work life separate from my personal life. The bulk of my friends were the Montrealers that came to town for a visit. All my vacation time was spent in Montreal, I wouldn’t dream of staying in Toronto. I didn’t plan on staying here for too long anyway.

Now I’ve been here for 24 years, resigned to the fact that I’ve built a life and finding it hard to see ever leaving. Now I mix my work life with my personal life but not too much to have no escape. Now I see very few Montrealers having lost contact with most of them years ago. Now I rarely hear voices in my head that keep me up late to transcribe but I can often just sit down and write and highlight any gems in that freeflow. Now I rarely wait for inspiration. I have found the techniques that work for me to find it.

I often wonder about my old room mates. Epp who was a talented artist. Her boyfriend, did he ever start a full fledged grow op and ultimately get arrested. And the other guy.

SW

Missing Link

Filed under: Daily Practice,Upper A Riffing — Silent Warrior @ 8:01 pm

WC – Upper A Riffing
Pick 5 random words out of a dictionary or thesaurus and write a piece using those words. Don’t think, just write! This isn’t supposed to be a work of art, it’s just practice to get you to write without editing.

The words:
“show don’t tell”, thoughtless, link, electricity, guts

The piece:
Is this a missing link in your species?
you cultivate the intense electricity
then plummet into a thoughtless absentee man
do you lack the guts to follow through?
Man, let me know soon
but show, don’t tell

SW

Love?

Filed under: Daily Practice,Writing Zazen - Love — Silent Warrior @ 5:25 am

In One Continuous Mistake, Gail Sher suggests an exercise , Writing Zazen (yeah I stole the title) : Write on the same subject every day for two weeks. Revisiting the same subject day after day will force you to exhaust stale, inauthentic, spurious thought patterns and dare you to enter places of subtler, more “fringe” knowing.

I admit that I’m a bit scared of love. I don’t know if I’m more scared of not having what I want or of having what I want. Can Love really ever live up to my expectations?

Am I holding myself back based on past experiences? How do I move forward with the naivete of The Fool (of the Tarot) enthusiastically starting out on her journey and still hold on to my past lessons without overwhelming myself? I have no clue. Just keep trying I guess and hope I hit on some formulation that works.

In my current life, I try not to look at the possibility of serious. I keep everything on the laughter route and figure that I’ll deal with every step when and if it comes into my view. When I’d decided a few months ago that I thought he was more than sexy, that I wanted to pursue this interest a little more and give him a clear clue of what I was feeling, I had a moment when I got overwhelmed with nervousness. In the midst of my internal tornado I slapped myself back in to calmness and reminded myself that I’d already developed a rapport with this person, why get nervous now? It helped. I’ve somehow managed to keep my nervousness in check and just enjoy the ride. Reminding myself that this may never turn into anything more than a heavy flirtation. This may turn into another long lasting friendship. We could disappear out of each others lives or it could step up to be that something.

The madness of being a writer is that I can look at a person and project a full fledged story on him, with me as his large love interest and set myself up for all kinds of emotional fuckery. I still have to work on that one but I have improved. For this fellow I’ve somehow managed to keep my thoughts on what has transpired with no eye on any possible future, any specific outcome. It’s kept me in good stead so far. That may be all that I can ask for. Today anyway.

SW

Monday, 27 November 2006

Still Figuring This Out

Filed under: Daily Practice — Silent Warrior @ 9:43 pm

I’m still flicking through all the pages. Trying to figure out how to add my preferences to this blog. It could take a bit of time. The learning curve is always a little high in the beginning.
There will probably be a few dumb non posts before I get it straight…

SW

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