Writing Zazen

Thursday, 15 February 2007

Moment of Crisis

Filed under: Writing Zazen - 30 Ways — Silent Warrior @ 5:43 pm

Thursday 5:27pm 15Feb07

I’m still on the high of the ordinary mystery and ordinary miracle partially because another couple (mysteries and miracles) were dropped in my lap by messenger rather than the cosmos whispering back at me. Sometimes I need the angelic messenger that takes over a human body for the minute to hand me the proof.

I realized today that there is often that point when you are going to give up, that moment of crisis, when you think that all is lost and why did you even bother in the first place. I’d reached that point at least a couple months ago. I’d resigned myself to the fact that this was never going to happen. Not meant to be. Shit, I wished I still didn’t want it. To save face, I wasn’t going to acknowledge that I ever wanted it. I admit to being big on saving face.

How do you portray the attitude of shrugged shouldered nonchalance? I somehow faked it. I had to admit that there were good things that I’d gained from this wish. I was going to reap the rewards of the good things and completely ignore the other. Maybe it was the relaxed manner that ultimately brought on the winds of change. That relaxed attitude that isn’t so focused on the outcome. I kept showing up so obviously somewhere something within me kept a smidgen of belief.

That smidgen has now been magnified ten fold at least. There is promise and excitement and giddyness and a whole whack of renewed patience. I’ve waited this long, I can wait a few hours more. The cosmos are going to tease me however, as they already have. They’ve been offering me grade b, c and d but I’ve told them I’ll wait for A. I’ve wanted A all along. B,C and D were only ever distractions to keep my mind off A.

My mind is on A with the assuredness that it’s already mine. Act as if I have it and I do. Believe it before I see it.

SW

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