Writing Zazen

Monday, 8 January 2007

It’s all over but the crying.

Filed under: Daily Practice,Writing Zazen - 30 Ways — Silent Warrior @ 8:30 pm

Monday 8:03pm 7Jan07

Now I’m sitting here and I feel good about my accomplishments for the day. I’ve made it to 2.5 hours of writing. Once I make it to my daily 3 hours, I’d like to push into tomorrow’s time. The more I do today, the closer I will get to my 21 hours a week goal. It’s as simple as that.

In the back of my mind, what I’m trying to ignore is the presence of beautiful eyes. I may have dropped the men in my life but they aren’t necessarily listening. I refuse to change my habits and avoid the places I go just because he’s there. Plus I hope that at some point he’ll regret his game playing confusion when he discovers how true a person of my word I am. Made up my mind, you can’t change it. Men love those dares. They love to push you to the edge just to see how much they have to do to change your mind. They just don’t understand that for me, there’s no turning back when I do make the decision of finality. Sucks to be him.

It’s a repeated cycle for me. I have a little interest and the guy gets stupid like he can’t deal with honest interest. Once I lose the interest, he thinks that he can win it back. It’s that male challenge that draws him in. The thrill of the chase. If there is any chasing to be done, I want it in the beginning. I want sure footed interest. I want a man that knows what he wants and knows that I am the one he wants.

If he’s not totally sure, I want him to treat me with friendly respect. What ultimately makes me change my mind is an incident that annoys me. It annoys me on a male/female level and then I tell myself, “Even as a friend, at the very least, he should have handled this better.” Then I acknowledge, “we couldn’t possibly be friends.” And for me it’s over. Because if you can’t even treat me as a friend, how will you treat me as a girlfriend? And that becomes my driving force.

“It’s all over but the crying,” as Jordan used to say.

It happened with R. He wanted to be honest, well, only after I mentioned an intuitive suspicion about his trip. He told me in his quest for full disclosure that he was going across the world to spend two weeks with an ex girlfriend. Ah ha! I said, “I’m not going to tell you what to do. We’re not an item, we haven’t even decided what we want to be to each other past the couple dates we’ve been on. But if you go on this trip there will never ever be a chance for us. I will not change my mind.”

He went. It’s been over ten years now. I haven’t changed my mind. And he’s tried. He’s pulled out every trick and borrowed some too. “I told you to choose and you chose. I hope it was worth the plane fare.”

And beautiful eyes begins his thrill of the chase not realizing that it’s too late, baby, it’s just too late. He dropped a hint that I picked up on and didn’t accept. He waited where he knows I leave and I deeked just behind him unnoticed. I’m not a chance for him to have anymore and maybe in a year or so, he’ll get it.

And in the meantime, I’ve made it to my 3 hours of writing. That’s all that matters

SW

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