Moment of Crisis

Thursday 5:27pm 15Feb07

I’m still on the high of the ordinary mystery and ordinary miracle partially because another couple (mysteries and miracles) were dropped in my lap by messenger rather than the cosmos whispering back at me. Sometimes I need the angelic messenger that takes over a human body for the minute to hand me the proof.

I realized today that there is often that point when you are going to give up, that moment of crisis, when you think that all is lost and why did you even bother in the first place. I’d reached that point at least a couple months ago. I’d resigned myself to the fact that this was never going to happen. Not meant to be. Shit, I wished I still didn’t want it. To save face, I wasn’t going to acknowledge that I ever wanted it. I admit to being big on saving face.

How do you portray the attitude of shrugged shouldered nonchalance? I somehow faked it. I had to admit that there were good things that I’d gained from this wish. I was going to reap the rewards of the good things and completely ignore the other. Maybe it was the relaxed manner that ultimately brought on the winds of change. That relaxed attitude that isn’t so focused on the outcome. I kept showing up so obviously somewhere something within me kept a smidgen of belief.

That smidgen has now been magnified ten fold at least. There is promise and excitement and giddyness and a whole whack of renewed patience. I’ve waited this long, I can wait a few hours more. The cosmos are going to tease me however, as they already have. They’ve been offering me grade b, c and d but I’ve told them I’ll wait for A. I’ve wanted A all along. B,C and D were only ever distractions to keep my mind off A.

My mind is on A with the assuredness that it’s already mine. Act as if I have it and I do. Believe it before I see it.

SW

Digging for Nuggets

Monday 12Feb07 8:50pm

Now I’m sitting here and I’ve hit my 3 hour daily writing goal for today so everything else I do is icing. I pulled out Wabi Sabi for writers (by Richard R. Powell) to read a little and dig for nuggets, either a good writing exercise (doing scales as I like to call it) or a phrase that hits me the right way and makes me want to write following that phrase where it will take me. The nugget was “Ordinary Mysteries”.

I had an ordinary mystery today. I wrote a vignette about the ordinary mystery as a piece of fiction, creating a character like me to live it. I thought it might be an entry for this blog but alas it is still too personal to share in the virtual space that anyone can come across.

It was about an intention and a subtle wish. I’ll take this for now but I really want this my thoughts whispered to the cosmos not thinking that they’d be listening. That’s the way it usually happens. That’s what they say to do in the Law of Attraction anyway. State what you want, decide that you will have it, then let it go and know that the universe will give it to you. It’s not easy to do. We always ask, “Why hasn’t it happened yet?” and we stop the magic in its tracks.

I didn’t worry about it today though because today wasn’t the day it was going to happen anyway. In the near future yes but not today. Why worry about the real wish until later on in the week even? I prepared for my intention with all the niceties that showed that I was ready to make it a reality. I arrived at the place like a woman paying her last layaway payment before she finally brings home the object she’s been saving weeks for. And there was a notice posted on the pole. Today of all days. They never have that class on Mondays. Or they never make that special on Mondays. Or some such hidden meaning that I can’t quite find the words to describe so that you kind of get it but don’t get it at all. ha ha

I did say it was too personal.

The surprise notice made me take notice, I’d barely whispered the thought and you heard? The surprise notice told me to forget about settling for second best, I have every right to manifest first best. Imagine something big that you want, now imagine something bigger. Go for the bigger. Grade B could be fun for the time being but I’ve waited so long for Grade A, why not wait a few hours longer especially when it’s already on it’s way?

Yes!
And the Ordinary Mystery brought me to the Ordinary Miracle.
It was all ordinary because it wasn’t a huge shift in any area but enough of a shift to make me keep the faith. Believe, trust and watch it show up.

SW

Neglected

Monday 10:14pm
Now I’m sitting here and I’m just about ready for bed but I wanted to post something here. This blog is as neglected as I am. I wonder how people gain these false perceptions about me, where do they come from? What gives you the idea that you know me? How do you think that because I like to laugh that I live with no care of the opinion of others or better yet that I would exhibit behaviours that would say that I wasn’t raised right. Of all the people in this group I am the least likely to take advantage of the perks.
It’s sad to think that people still think like that about people like me. That if something goes missing it might be me who thieved it. It’s sad and disheartening.
But I keep on keeping on. My only choice. I view the people that surround me with a new perception, a new attitude. I decide that caution is my only choice for human interaction with these types anyway. I walk with the phrase, lest we forget, running like a ticker tape in the back of my mind. I know that this is the one time. At no other time will I stand accused.
I have a long memory and this isn’t something I’ll ever forget.
I got comfortable. I thought I was viewed as one of the other human beings but now I know different.

SW

It’s all over but the crying.

Monday 8:03pm 7Jan07

Now I’m sitting here and I feel good about my accomplishments for the day. I’ve made it to 2.5 hours of writing. Once I make it to my daily 3 hours, I’d like to push into tomorrow’s time. The more I do today, the closer I will get to my 21 hours a week goal. It’s as simple as that.

In the back of my mind, what I’m trying to ignore is the presence of beautiful eyes. I may have dropped the men in my life but they aren’t necessarily listening. I refuse to change my habits and avoid the places I go just because he’s there. Plus I hope that at some point he’ll regret his game playing confusion when he discovers how true a person of my word I am. Made up my mind, you can’t change it. Men love those dares. They love to push you to the edge just to see how much they have to do to change your mind. They just don’t understand that for me, there’s no turning back when I do make the decision of finality. Sucks to be him.

It’s a repeated cycle for me. I have a little interest and the guy gets stupid like he can’t deal with honest interest. Once I lose the interest, he thinks that he can win it back. It’s that male challenge that draws him in. The thrill of the chase. If there is any chasing to be done, I want it in the beginning. I want sure footed interest. I want a man that knows what he wants and knows that I am the one he wants.

If he’s not totally sure, I want him to treat me with friendly respect. What ultimately makes me change my mind is an incident that annoys me. It annoys me on a male/female level and then I tell myself, “Even as a friend, at the very least, he should have handled this better.” Then I acknowledge, “we couldn’t possibly be friends.” And for me it’s over. Because if you can’t even treat me as a friend, how will you treat me as a girlfriend? And that becomes my driving force.

“It’s all over but the crying,” as Jordan used to say.

It happened with R. He wanted to be honest, well, only after I mentioned an intuitive suspicion about his trip. He told me in his quest for full disclosure that he was going across the world to spend two weeks with an ex girlfriend. Ah ha! I said, “I’m not going to tell you what to do. We’re not an item, we haven’t even decided what we want to be to each other past the couple dates we’ve been on. But if you go on this trip there will never ever be a chance for us. I will not change my mind.”

He went. It’s been over ten years now. I haven’t changed my mind. And he’s tried. He’s pulled out every trick and borrowed some too. “I told you to choose and you chose. I hope it was worth the plane fare.”

And beautiful eyes begins his thrill of the chase not realizing that it’s too late, baby, it’s just too late. He dropped a hint that I picked up on and didn’t accept. He waited where he knows I leave and I deeked just behind him unnoticed. I’m not a chance for him to have anymore and maybe in a year or so, he’ll get it.

And in the meantime, I’ve made it to my 3 hours of writing. That’s all that matters

SW

30 Ways To Help You Write

This is the first experiment and my favorite writing exercise from the book “30 Ways To Help You Write” by Fran Weber Shaw, PH.D

Experiment 1: Write free-flow for the pleasure of now

“Now I’m Sitting Here”
1. Sit comfortably, perhaps outdoors. Write across the top of your pad: “NOW I’M SITTING HERE AND,” Put down your pad and pen. Read steps 2,3, and 4, and try them.

Relax, Head to Toe
2. Close your eyes, and allow the muscles of your face to relax. Move down your body, naming to yourself each part and suggesting it relax. It’s as if tensions can drain down and out your feet. (Don’t worry about how much you can relax — that’s not important.)

Listen
3. REALLY LISTEN to sounds from all directions, as if nothing else matters but hearing everything.

Write nonstop
4. Very slowly open your eyes. Pick up your pen and start “TALKING” nonstop on the page. When you don’t know what to say next, DESCRIBE sounds, smells, tastes, tactile sensations, and sights now. Keep your pen moving for two pages, and stop.

5. Read through, and underline highlights, anything you like, whatever strikes you. (To take it further, use he or she instead of I; or See “Shaping What Comes,” under the category Writing Zazen – 30 Ways.)

30 Ways – Shaping What Comes

Shaping What Comes from the book “30 Ways to Help You Write” by Fran Weber Shaw, PH.D

Your free-flow writings may become part of a story or essay, so keep them (as is) in your “writings” notebook. You’ll find you’ll accumulate a wealth of personal material which is your own natural resource. One woman, for example, “mined” her notebook and arranged seven short pieces as one “crisis” week in her character’s life. A businessman was able to use a whimsical bit about the Great Pumpkin as the opening anecdote for a speech. So keep writing for the fun of it — without criticizing what comes — and you’ll have something to work with when you need material.
If you’d like to take one or your writings and shape it into a paragraph or short essay, try this:

1. Choose a piece you really like, and read it over.

2. What did you realize from this experience? Sum up your MAIN IMPRESSION in a sentence and say it out loud as if telling a friend.

3. Compare that sentence with the first one already on the page. Which gives your point of view, your slant on this experience? Would a read want to hear more? Use that to lead off. If you don’t like either, ask an intriguing question.

4. Begin a new paragraph each time you bring in another idea, shift gears, or describe something happening suddenly.

5. Cross out in pencil any details or sentences which don’t have anything to do with the main impression you want to convey.

6. End with a sentence you sound sure of. Make your point about what you’ve discovered. Title this piece, and type it up.

If you’d like to begin a story, try this:

1. Name your main character

2. Cast your free-flow writing into the third person (use he or she), and see if it suggests a story. Now it’s your main character that’s sitting, or walking, or thinking about things, or noticing the surroundings.

3. Try to convey a particular mood by the way your character sees what’s around, by what she’s thinking. Cross out sentences which don’t fit. Add others which might suggest what her problem or situation is at this moment.

4. Write just the first page of your story. Rather than plan what you’ll say, let it unfold: just keep writing.