6:30pm

I think I missed 6:30pm. Oh well, I’m here now. Floors mopped, well, most of em. Bitter cats who hate the whole floor mopping thing.

We’re in Leo now. And we’ve got a full moon tomorrow.
Since Leo is all about attention. The King of the jungle and all. So a certain amount of needing to be catered to. That’s often when a leo will get on my nerves, when he/she needs to be catered to. That stuff is tiresome.

But in Leo our focus is to come from the heart. Do what comes from the heart. That’s never a bad idea.

SW

6pm

I forgot that Zelda thinks that cherries are little balls for her to throw around. I left a bowl of cherries on my desk while I went to get my brownies. Found an abandoned cherry on the floor. Brat!

Haven’t moved much since I ate. Might want to mop the floors. Got all my writing on my desk so I’ll be getting to that eventually.

I’ve got everyone craving and subsequently baking brownies over at the Shattered Prayer. Cracks me up to no end. Of course it all started because Richard the Previous and Mojo were having pizza and chicken wings and I was jealous.

Okay I’m going to start with mopping the floors because they can use it and from there rotate between writing a bit and working out a bit. My story and I’m sticking to it.

Now if I could only get rid of this stomach thing that is keeping me slowed down.

I promise eventually I’ll write something with substance. I hope

SW

5:30pm- I’m back!

Okay got turtle brownies, six of em. but no tortellini. Settled for a tandoori chicken leg and a jerk chicken leg instead.

It’s too beautiful outside and not too busy downtown. Maybe every one trekked up to the Beaches for the music festival. Thought occurred to me to go but then always the chance of running into ex boyfriend who was full of googly eyes when I saw him during Mercury Retrograde. Not really in the mood for that.

Why is it that you could live somewhere and never run into people you want to run into but the one person you don’t… that’s the one you see? Maybe the trick is to not want to run into people in order to run into them. Think about that for a while. ha ha.

While I’m at it I think I don’t want to find a bag full of money and I certainly don’t want to meet a dateable guy. ha ha! Hmm.

Andy Garcia is looking too beautiful in Godfather 3. The only reason to watch the movie, even though he is a hot head like Santino.

SW

2:30pm ish

Of course it’s a beautiful sunny and hot day today. I know I complained about the blogathon last year being on such a spectacular day. That’s why I can’t commit to it. The thought of being held hostage inside when it’s so beautiful out is too much to bear. And yet I manage to move exceptionally slow each year on the blogathon Saturday. Funny how that happens.

I’ve got the dress on and am just about ready to walk out the door on the little Daniel and Daniel expedition for turtle brownies. Although my stomach is a mess, I figure I can slap them in the freezer for later better stomach days. Of course you know that I will still have at least one. The only thing is if they have tortellini then I’m in trouble. I love their Tortellini.

I must consider doing a faux blogathon on a cold winter day. I still think that blogging a novel would be fun. Somebody should get on that. ha ha

Okay, the godfather 2 is almost over. Kay has left Michael. Fredo is crying at mom’s coffin. Connie wants to stay close to home now. Soon Fredo will die. Soon part two will be over. Then I will walk to Daniel et Daniel for the goodies. Yeah that’s it.

In the meantime, I’ll get my writing organized on my desk to do some work when I get back. I’d like to be around some people but I love being home too.

If only SW could stay and do the writing while EY goes to get the goodies.

SW

2pm

I was checking facebook and commenting on Shattered Prayer and stuff that my half hour is almost done.

Next is to pull out the writing and get started on that and look at some writing articles and see what I can share here for my faux blogathon. Considering walking to Daniel and Daniel for some turtle brownies. Boy if I only knew how to make those. Then I could save myself the trip. Of course I’d have to motivate myself to make them.

I was telling someone about Growler’s peanut butter pie. I will have to pull out that recipe and make it again. It would be nice to bring it as a gift for his upcoming play. But who am I kidding? It won’t happen.

If I do walk to Daniel and Daniel, I will miss a few entries. Mind you that would count as part of the working out I’m supposed to be doing today. Lord help me and my lazy bones.

SW (EY is sleeping, haha!)

1:30pm

That half hour flies by especially when you’re moving slow.
I’ve got the Godfather 2 on on AMC Tv. I’m a sucker for the Godfather. A young Al Pacino, a young Robert De Niro. How could you possibly choose between the two? And you don’t, they are both there. It’s too bad the 3rd installment sucks the big one but at least Andy Garcia is there for eye candy.

My type, all three men, dark hair/dark eyes. That’s what always sends my heart a flutter!

Enjoying my smoothie. Cleaned some cherries and cut up a cantaloupe. If don’t finish my cantaloupe, the rest of it will go into tomorrow’s smoothie. That’s how it goes.

The four cats have all found spots in the apartment to relax in. All are visible except Zoe who is still in the kitchen cupboard but she shows her face everytime I go into the kitchen. I’ve got all my hand washing clothing soaking. So things do get done in this place but verry very slowly. Plus I’m having some typing issues. Can’t seem to hit the right keys. Hence the double r in very. sigh

EY/SW

1pm – faux blogathon

Just like last year’s faux blogathon, I’m moving slow again.
I managed to make my smoothie. I have added a nice little twist to my smoothies that amp up the vitamins and amp up the taste too.

I’ve been finding that the only carrots that I can eat are mini carrots. The regular carrots always seem to be lacking something. I know that Carrots are filled with all sorts of good stuff so I had been juicing them with my beet juice but was finding that there’s too much stuff at the bottom of the juice. Like sediment, I guess. Grosses me right out. I don’t like juice with pulp and any sediment like stuff just makes me gag.

For whatever reason, I can tolerate more stuff in a smoothie because it’s generally thicker and you don’t really notice pulp or sediment or whatever. I know, I know, I’m just strange. But I’m okay with that. So anyhow, here is my latest smoothie recipe that I’ve been making and loving. I use both a blender and a juice extractor for this one:

In Blender, combine:
thick wedge pineapple
handful or more frozen mixed berries
handful or more frozen cranberries
frozen peaches/kiwis etc
tablespoon whole flax seeds
fill with pomegranate juice (store bought)

Blend til it’s a smoothie (ha ha!)

In Juice Extractor, Juice:
3-4 oranges
2-3 carrots
2-3 apples

mix the orange/ carrot/ apple juice with the smoothie in the blender.
And drink until your hearts content or til it’s all gone.

SW/EY

12:30 pm

Didn’t hear my timer go off. I’ll probably have to carry it around with me. Still haven’t worked out yet and I’m just getting ready to make a fruit smoothie and cut up a fresh cantaloupe to get my system running and keep it cool.

I couldn’t be bothered being the hard ass girl and turned on my AC. Probably why I couldn’t hear my timer.

Any how, my thoughts are filled with catching up with my high school best friend last night after 25 years. The big thing was my letters that I wrote to her and she has kept all these years. Listening to my voice then, what I was thinking about, I could almost have an out of body experience back to my teenage home and all the turmoil. I was surprised that I’d divulged as much as I did about my feelings. It seems in September of 1978 I wrote her a letter every single day. Too funny. I said, “Holy crap, it must have been a bad month for me.”

What a gift it is to almost see the person I was. That’s why people should keep journals for their whole life. Connection to the self. It’s mind blowing. It may be time to pull out my trunk of journals that I’ve kept over the years of living in Toronto. And read my mother’s journals.

The ironic part of all this, is that my character Kali will be keeping a journal through out all the novels of White Wishes. I didn’t even realize how fascinated I am with journals until I spoke to my high school best friend last night. Nor did I even see a connection to myself. Freaky!

SW/EY

12 Noon

I almost forgot about setting a timer. It’s been a year since my last faux blogathon. Plus I’m not totally sure how long I will do this. But I do remember how it gets the brain clicking. What am I going to write about next? The question that flits through the mind while I do other stuff, like put away my laundry and the like.

Fed the cats. Zoe has found a new place to relax where she can see the action unobserved. She’s been hanging out in the cupboard under the kitchen counter. I left that empty ages ago when I kept finding a different cat having a nap in there. Actually I store my Portable AC hose in there when it’s not summer.

What I’d like to do today, aside from offering Che moral blogging support is to work out, work on my novels and eat. Maybe in a bit of a rotation.

It’s the Beaches Jazz festival today, which is a bit of a joke because it’s never jazz, I think. But I don’t know if I’ll make it out there. I would normally rollerblade but I feel like poop. Sometimes the best medicine is just staying home, although I wouldn’t mind being around people today. And I have to say that is a first, saying that I’d like to be around people. Usually I want to get as far away from people as possible.

So I guess things are looking up.

SW

Blogathon time of the year

Well it’s the blogathon again. Last year I stayed up and kept my friend Che of the shattered prayer company while she blogged. Plus I did my faux blogathon. Not sure how much I’ll manage today as I’m not feeling well. But I’m here. Any extra posts will probably be at my Writing Zazen blog

And if any one comes by, go check out Che at the Shattered prayer and give her a shout out and better yet, donate some money.

EY

Jane Fonda

Note: previous entries mentioned in this entry are on my writing2live blog.

Wednesday 5:34pm

Have I said this about a hundred times? I’m slowly going through my tapes and when I get to Inside the Actor’s Studio there is always someone who I think, ‘I don’t have to watch this one. How interesting will so and so be?’ Then I catch the beginning and am engrossed in the whole interview.

Of course that just happened with Jane Fonda. But even better, I watched it this morning and it was so good I rewound the tape to watch it again this afternoon and write notes.

You know so many questions are popping up and out of me lately. Between the Pisces kiss and the subsequent revelations and what made me so mad about it all. I can recall hearing someone saying something along the lines regarding depression that she wanted to make her life less about not being depressed and more about living an intentional life. I can’t remember who said it and I never wrote it down because some things that are said just resonate so wholly within my being that I know I don’t need to write them down. It’s like it inhabits my subconscious in a magnetic sort of way and the right ideas start to stick to me. That’s where my idea for embracing my singleness came from.

I don’t know if I’ve expressed embracing my singleness well enough. It’s not that I don’t want to be with anyone or that I’ve been overly unhappy alone. I basically said to myself, “what if this is the last time, for the rest of my life, that I will be fully alone? How can I make good use of this time and be able to look back with fondness?”

When I was in constant survival mode and I was between jobs I was always so stressed about finding another job that I never enjoyed the time off work. Then when all worked out and I got a new job I’d always wished that I just relaxed enough to enjoy the time. That’s what I’m trying to do now with being single and not having a group of friends to hang out with. Enjoy this time. Discover the things that I really like to do whether I have company or not. Live and enjoy my life despite not having a closet full of money.

Smoking to some extent falls in line with that. There’s something that I feel is missing that smoking fills. It’s something to focus on to take me away from discovering what that void is that needs to be filled. Jane Fonda talks about addiction and the space that is left when you give up an addiction(s).

My early notes from the first viewing were about her discussing, ‘entering my truth’. I had to ask, “what is my truth?” A big question that may take me years to discover a full answer to. Maybe starting off with What do I really feel?

Yesterday morning I caught some police drama on A&E and Anthony LaPaglia’s brother is in it and he’s trying to get his woman to come in but she won’t. I asked out loud, “Why did she bother going there then?” and I felt this ache. I had to ask, What is my ache regarding love? I have one, obviously, but how do I get to the meat of it and past the stories of, “I saw the kind of men my mother was with and what men can do to women” I guess the question is, ‘How do I live MY life now with all the love I have to give and actually give it?’

My madness toward the man and his kiss is that I am coming to realize that I feel good enough about myself that I know that what he is offering is bullshit and that he would think it’s okay to only offer me scraps that you give a dog. And because I can see different points of view, I’m even madder about the fact that he is with a woman who may or may not know that he is giving HER dog scraps. There’s nothing wrong with being a dog but be a single dog and give women the opportunity to say yes or no.

Jane Fonda talked about her first marriage to a man who regularly brought other women into their bed with them. I wrote quickly, “not feeling good enough about yourself enought that you would allow a man to bring another woman into bed with the two of you. Feeling that the only way she could keep this man was to accept that she wasn’t enough for him.”

It’s funny, it always brings me back to what I’ve always said since I was a kid watching my mother, “I’d rather be alone than suffer through that shit for the sake of having a man.”
Jane also said, “It’s in relationships where a loss of voice manifests.”

Ahh! A loss of voice. I write to give myself voice, even if it’s only my eyes that see the words…for now anyway. I leave men when I feel that I can’t express my true voice, what I need, what I want, what I feel is missing. I’ve always wanted to have a relationship, it just so happens, that I’ve needed to be able to hear my voice more than be in a relationship.

With all my insecurities and feelings that I am so fucked up (I’m not denying that I’m not fucked up) I am discovering that I am more than enough. I do not need to be with someone who convinces me that I’m not enough for his own gains. And isn’t there a piece of fiction following a man and a woman through that all? Where the man really sees what he has done to his woman because he could, because she let him, because she didn’t think she was enough to keep him.

It takes me back to that question I blogged several weeks ago, “Can I trust you with my heart?” It’s not that I can’t commit. I can’t commit to feeling not good enough and so I don’t.

More quotes from Jane Fonda’s interview, whose book I want to read, by the way:

“He would bring other women into our bed and it never occurred to me that I could say no. I assumed that it was that I wasn’t enough and I didn’t want him to leave me and being with him is what validated me. “

“I’ve come from a place where I would silence my voice, shut down my heart, betray my body because if he left me I would be nothing and fall down into a dark hole.”

“I couldn’t say to my husband. ‘I don’t want to anymore.’ I couldn’t say who I really was because I was scared of being alone.”

“the need to please, the disease to please, the need to be perfect, is so pervasive in our society for women… usher perfection out the door and strive for completion.”

“I don’t want to die without giving voice to my wholeness with the man I love.”

“What is more important to me is my authenticity. Being intentional about how I live.”

“I don’t want to have regrets at the end of my life. What will I have to do now so that I won’t have regrets and then it’s about being intentional about how you live, the way you live. It’s painful but it’s the right thing to do.”

She was amazing and can I just say that when ever the camera panned the audience the women were wiping away tears.

And she said it, she is a privileged white woman and she still felt that she wasn’t good enough. That’s pretty powerful when you really think about that.

EY