Transformation

Monday 5:54pm 30Apr07

Am I finished goofing off? I think I am. Sometimes it’s about doing nothing when you are too much of a do something kind of gal.

I’ve been feeling my tarot cards calling me, in that I’ve been thinking about my tarot cards and pulling a pack or two out. I amazed myself when I went through my box to discover how many decks I have. Plus during Nanowrimo I read an article about one of the participants using her tarot cards to guide the direction of her novel. I’ve always wanted to do that.

Looked around the net for any inspiration and found these links:
Tarot for Creative Writing
Burning Void Tarot 1
Burning Void Tarot 2

There’s more but this is a good start.

Of course I was thinking that if I’m going to play with the tarot I need to get back into pulling a card a day to get the feel for them again. It really has been a long time since I’ve done that. Last night I pulled the Ace of Swords from the Thoth deck and other than knowing that ones or aces are about new beginnings, not too much was coming to my mind.

This morning I pulled a card from the Universal Waite Deck asking, “What does the Universe need me to know today?” The idea I got from Tarot By Arwen. And the writing up part from Corrine Kenner
I pulled the Death card. My immediate thought was the end of a cycle. Surrender, prayer. But end of a cycle was the main thought.
The booklet that comes with the cards read: Out with the old, in with the new. End of a cycle. Change. Surrender

As I dug this afternoon for more meanings transformation came to mind. Transformation. What area of my life am I transforming or would I like to transform? My incident with a man last week has been swirling around my thoughts. I’ve been laughing quite a bit about it. Laughing at how some men will happily take advantage if the opportunity presents itself and will turn into whiny girls if a woman puts the kibosh on the taking advantage situation. My transformation is that I’m finally figuring men out, some of them anyway. I’m finally getting/ seeing the part I play in certain situations and keeping my own best interests at heart. And the reaction is amusing the heck out of me.

So the death is of the old me. It’s pretty thrilling. I’m all about transformation.

And finally transforming Writing Zazen. I think I may do the card a day entries here plus I just need to start blogging here regularly. I love using word press. I need to stop being so lazy about it.
SW

Lost Without You!

Robin Thicke – Lost Without U: Herve Romain Dedication, Closed Captioned

Can this guy and song be more beautiful?

His wife is lucky!

SW

Life is magic

Warrior Woman says your life is filled with magic and miracles. You just need to keep your eyes open for them. You stopped today and took the moment to be blessed with your piece of magic. That angel is a token of magic.

Meditate on your magic and bring yourself closer to it. Meditate and get closer to your higher self and what she has to tell you. She is waiting for you to listen. She is waiting for you to listen to your heart.

SW

Angel at my feet

I conked out at 6:30pm last night and slept right through to 2:30am. I honestly thought I’d sleep for a couple hours and then get up and write. Fooled me. The only reason why I woke up was because my downstairs neighbours were banging a hammer or something. I figure their downstairs neighbours were making noise and they were banging their disapproval. Considered going down stairs to bang on their heads but thought better of it. Who needs a fight at 2 o’clock in the morning.

It’s peaceful now. Just a nice hum. The cats all sleep on their separate perches. The tap is dripping. That’s the extent of the noises at this time. I get the odd whiff of Orange scented pinesol of which I mopped the floors with on Sunday.

Lolo made it safely to Korea and is stoked about her new apartment. Front loading washing machine… I’m jealous.

Was in a mood for most of Monday. Announced to a contractor, “I’m not feeling very patient today, so you need to get to the point.” Ado laughed and said he felt sorry for whoever made the mistake of crossing my path.

I don’t know what it was that made me so moody. My thoughts got dark. I could understand why some people end their lives in suicide. The feeling that the problems never end and thinking, why bother? I used that energy for Rachel and wrote a small segment of White Wishes with Rachel feeling that sense of defeat with her alcoholic husband and her children that she had to care for no matter how tired she feels or defeated. It helped. There are days when you want to get back to the Source, when you know it’s up to you to feel connected but you just can’t.

I went up to the management office to drop off some stuff. As I came off the freight elevator I saw a glinty token on the floor. I kicked it and figured it was an insignia off a portfolio or something and kept going. When I came back it was still on the floor and I decided to pick it up. On it reads, “Always with you.” On the other side is an Angel.

Ohh! Talk about an immediate mood change. Source connected with me by dropping an angel at my feet. I forget that my life is magical. I forget that I have so many good things to focus on. I have many things to be grateful for: a job and coworkers I genuinely like, a place of my own that truly is my sanctuary, my three cats that make me giggle (Picasso was grooming me last night, rubbing her head against my scalp and then cleaning me), interests and hobbies, life long friends, good health, ideas, more than enough resources (books, music etc).

My buddy who got me into my bar mess called me yesterday morning at 8:30am asking, “You want to meet up on Wednesday?” So I have another outing this week. I figure he’s got news. I also figure I have to prepare myself for the combined teasing that he and Fredo will give me since they like to tag team against me. Bastards!

Today is the new moon. A perfect time to start a new project or a new job and get a new attitude.

Picasso is crying her squeaky cry at the door begging to go explore the hallway. Might as well let her out.
EY

Originally posted on my Writing2live blog.

Nervous Energy

Tuesday 7:10pm 3Apr07

Now I’m sitting here at my desk. Still sweating from my brisk walk. Using exercise to harness my nervous energy. Impatience shrouds my thoughts making me restless. I walk down to the water and back home knowing that once I’m finished I’ll be calmer and ready to sit down and write.

I throw my crazy thoughts in the lake like skipping stones. And power walk back home free for a few more hours. I don’t know why it’s so hard to get over what I need to get over but the up side is that it’s getting me off my ass to work out. My thoughts are a few more steps on my pedometer. That’s something to count on.

I admit to wanting to get to the good parts of my life. Not like this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s far more manageable than anything I’ve been through or what some people are going through now. But we are selfish beings aren’t we? We only really know or care about our own existence, if the truth be known. We do anything to distract ourselves from the so-called bad emotions and barely enjoy the good ones when we have them.

Looking forward to the rain that the thunder is currently announcing. I hope it pours all night and there’s a cool breeze blowing through my window while I sleep underneath my electric blanket. I hope the rain is a symbol of my mind being cleansed and tomorrow is a new day and my attitude is optimistic again. I wish I could hear the words I want to hear out of the mouth I want to hear them from. Or at the very least I wish I could stop caring.

SW

Weaning off Anti-Depressant Medication

Monday 7:45pm 2Apr07

I have a friend who is in the process of weaning himself off anti depressant medication. He’s having a bit of a tough time with it. I can’t really imagine what he is going through because I never went on the meds when my doctor prescribed them.

What I did instead was look at the way I think about things and try to guide my thoughts on to better things. Mostly. I took the time I needed and stopped hanging out with people who either didn’t appreciate my giving nature or who bogged me down with all their problems.

Lately I’ve been playing as if I were still a child. I’ve been looking at some of the things that make me feel better like pretending I have a split personality where the tougher personality takes care of the more fragile personality. Warrior Woman guides me and coaches me and gives me the advice that I need. I know that I’m making it all up but it’s working for me. Some times the only way you can go about attacking the frustrations and depressions of life is to go at them from a seemingly ridiculous angle.

I wonder if the people who read my blogs think I’m a crazy whack job. And at the same time I don’t really care as long as I feel good in my life.

I hope my friend can find it within himself to cope. When you realize that everything is inside you, you find all the strength you need.

SW

Making Changes

Monday 7:19pm 2Apr07

I’ve been making changes. I’d been focused again on trying to have some kind of social life but that’s been a bit disappointing. It’s like the Universe keeps pushing me to sit down and write. The quote that runs through my mind is from Nelly Furtado, “when my friends were out going to parties every weekend, I was home working on my music.”

I think it has to be like that for me for a while anyway. My two girl friends that work in adjacent buildings to me are leaving their jobs for jobs that are in line with their goals. I feel a little like I’m being deserted. I’m certainly being left alone to my own devices, might as well get focused. After my breaking point of a very harsh week last week, I pulled out another personality to use. I’m pretending that I have a mirror twin housed within me who is tough and who pushes me to go farther than I normally would. I call her Warrior Woman.

I’ve added conversations in my journal between me and Warrior Woman.

Warrior Woman says, why be depressed? So you didn’t get what you wanted. It just means that something better is on its way. That, ‘you weren’t invited’ energy was a little shitty but it wasn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened. You can deal with it. Somethings are not meant to be. Maybe it will still happen but as it sits right now, you’ve got to let go.

Warrior Woman says, don’t feel bad for the effort you put in. At least you know how to go for what you want. You just need to take a time out.

Warrior Woman says, the time to take for yourself is now. Now to work on the debt. Now to work on independence. Now to work on working out and getting into the kind of shape you want to be in. Now to complete your novel in progress. You could get Book 1 done easily by July 1st with using the time wisely, with harnessing your energy. Might as well learn how to do all that now. You’ve got the time.

Remember that different people work at different speeds. Just because you are ready now doesn’t mean that others are equally as ready to walk a combined path with you. Some of the path you make have to walk alone. But you are never alone. Some people will walk a few blocks with you and then leave, others will walk miles with you. Don’t waste your time on the fantasy, nothing ever turns out the way you expect. You get what you don’t expect.

You can be hurt by stubbornly wanting one option or just frustrated by the time you feel you’ve wasted. Watch others interest level. If it doesn’t match yours then move on. Keep a space open for the people who match your interest level. If you keep hitting the same brick wall that’s a message to you that something doesn’t fit.

Move on and get focused and don’t let the dumbasses distract you. There are places you want to be come July. So why not focus on that. Sometimes the only thing you can depend on is your plan. It’s not always going to be that way it just happens to be that way today. Let tomorrow deal with tomorrow. The more you focus on the frustrations of life, the more frustrations you’ll have to focus on. Keep working on yourself because you are the only person you can change. Let go of being embarrassed by what you have or don’t have. Let go of feeling self-conscious. Be who you are with honesty and they will respect you or they won’t. You can’t change that and you’ll feel healthier for it.

That’s pretty much all that Warrior Woman had to say to me.

SW