My Goal – 1000 Hours of Writing in 1 year

I’ve written 95643 words to date.

White Wishes

Writertopia.com

Frustration Turns into Creativity

Tuesday 5:43pm 27Feb07

Yesterday I started the day off with a giggle thinking how relaxing my morning at work was going to be. Well, at least it started that way. Then it turned into a beat down session with me being the one beat down. I answered the phone with exasperation more times than not.

When I got home last night I was sure that I was going to dive into bed head first. I certainly couldn’t blog. No one wants to read about that shit. I didn’t even have the energy to go to the liquor store for a bottle of wine. The thought of standing in line sweating in my layers was akin to some kind of Japanese water torture.

I didn’t think I was going to write at all. I started my journal, ‘Today the wrath of Mercury retrograde reared its angry head in my direction.’ Heck, I was the bullseye! The day was all about communication, miscommunication, hostile communication, Mercury’s domain.

Somehow I figured out that sleeping and/or drinking wasn’t the answer. So I wrote. I wrote my 1 hour mind cleanse for 30 minutes. I wrote my freeflow for my novel and I worked out. In the midst of working out I realized that frustration and anger motivate me.

I wrote in my journal, ‘What a great thing sometimes frustration can be because it stops me and gets me to ask the question, what do I most need to focus on for my sanity and my future? I need to be able to ask that question when I’m not frustrated or angry. I want to feel good. I don’t want to be ruled by a life of roller coaster emotions in order to create because that’s the kind of person I am, the one who loves to create.’

Through the midst of all that I also decided that since I’ve got all my novel notes and drafts and scratchings in one place, I’m going to read everything I have and plug the pieces into appropriate chapters of my novel.

In my journal I wrote, ‘It makes sense to go through all my pieces of writing to throw them all into White Wishes chapters. Read through it, mark up the page and type it into my novel that I’m working on now. Add the daily freeflow stuff that I’m doing for each chapter as well. Just keep adding and reading and reorganizing until I get there. And when I have read through every last bit of paper and have a whole novel then sculpt it like clay into what I want it to be.

I, today, February 26th 2007, feel like I can complete White Wishes and it’s the best feeling ever. I can really do this. How wonderful is that? It’s been a long time coming and there is still more work to do but I finally genuinely feel like I’ve got the right focus. I really need to have that feeling of creating out of thin air (freeflow/ stream of consciousness writing) because I love that feeling but, as well, I can plop the finished pieces together and read them and sculpt the scenes. It’s really really good, this love of what I do.’

Some how I transformed the frustration and channeled it. I’ve been working toward harnessing my energy instead of turning it into depression for years, yesterday I nailed it.

SW

White Fresh Snow

Tuesday 5pm 27Feb07

I love fresh white snow. The sticky fluffy stuff. I love to wear my geeky winter boots, the same kind you wore when you were a kid, the ones that you can step into deep slush with confidence, and kick the snow in my path. I love the sight of marshmallow white trees with their spongy snowy branches like three dimensional paintings. My heart giggles. I am a child again. I am the little sister following my big brother doing whatever he does.

My brother was an adventurer to me, when I was little. If he found me remotely interesting it was a good day in my books.

I excelled physically because I wanted to impress my brother. I wanted him to notice me as an equal. I wanted him to recognize my value. When I was ten, I could out run any of his friends. I impressed him once, when one of the neighbourhood boys called me a nigger and I chased him. He was on his bike and I ran him down, pulled him off the back of his bike by his hair and kicked the shit out of him.
” I guess you won’t call her that again,” my brother said smugly.

At ten, I wanted to keep up with my brother. I climbed moving trains with him and went everywhere he did. At ten, I discovered my limitations in comparison to my brother and made decisions/choices about who I wanted to be if I couldn’t be as good as him.

I wish we remained close. But he decided on distance and I obediently listened to his request.

But when it’s snowy outside. When it’s white and fresh and spongy. When I wear my geeky winter boots that women look at with that judgemental fashion faux pas air. When it’s that certain kind of mild winter air. I forget about everyone around me as if my eyes are closed and I walk and kick that white time machine and I remember those moments of my innocence when the biggest person in my world was my big brother. And I giggle.

SW

The Bar

I’m in love! Okay, not with a person, but with a place. It’s a small bar near where I work. I keep telling myself not to become a regular at this bar. It’s nice once in awhile to show up and have a beer to break up the month of going straight home to write. It’s nice once in awhile to go in and socialize and enjoy the cold refreshing beer saturating my tongue. But it’s not my place, it’s not my hang out.

What I discover everytime I go in is that there’s something really magical about it. Everytime I go in there I meet someone new. The key of course could be that I go in there by myself, mind you, I do know enough of the regulars that I could conceivably just talk to them each time and never meet another new person. But I always meet someone new. It’s fascinating. I get to hear funny stories, heart warming stories, personal stories. Stories galore! The place feeds my writer brain. Sometimes I can sit for an hour or so and work on my writing, sometimes I can’t write because the socializing is on high and either way it feeds me.

Someone remarked last night, when I said that I didn’t know what anyone there did for a living, that it was rare to meet a person who didn’t immediately ask that question. I said that I want to talk to people not gauge how much money they may or may not earn. How much money someone makes has never been an interest to me.

At the bar, beautiful things happen in front of me because I expect some type of beauty there. I expect to meet nice people and I always do.

Last night one of the regulars was there and his daughters showed up with his 14 month old grand son. The bartender scooped up the chubby peach of a child and carried him around showing him off to everybody, excited by the size of the child, admiring the child’s sunny face. What a gorgeous occasion to see a man thrilled by children. What a beautiful blessing having the chance to see another side, a tender side of a man. Especially a man. Babies stereotypically fall under a woman’s domain. Women coo and ooh and aah over babies. In our society, men aren’t supposed to.
In Wabi Sabi for writers by Richard R. Powell, he writes, “Male stereotypes pull hard at a boy; male society encourages a kind of brutish toughness. But my heart was born tender and gentle; my strength increased when I turned away from male pride…”
What a joy to see a man that has overcome that noise and who openly enjoys the sight of a chubby baby. I could almost see his heart swelling with joy over this baby. I’d love to see him when he finally has his own child. What a deserving heart for such a sacred experience.

And then there was the tale that Derek told me because I asked… “I hope I’m not being too forward in asking but what happened?”
see Derek’s story next entry.

So slowly I’m becoming a regular in an alternate Cheers universe where everyone is beginning to know my name and I like it. Where the people feed into my writing world and where nice things happen because I’m looking for them.

SW

Derek’s Story

He was a broker. He’d made his first million dollars by the time he was 28 years old. He said that he would have nightmares about money. He’d disappear for days at a time, running off to Vegas getting so doped up and thinking he was in Ajax. He’d call his wife saying he wasn’t sure where he was. She complained to him, you’re working too much, you’re too focused on money, you need to spend more time with me and your sons.

He shrugged off her complaints. She wasn’t complaining about flying off to go shopping with her best girlfriend on his money and not having to work for a living, he thought.

She left him.

He continued on his path.

She got in a serious car accident and broke her neck. The doctor’s called him and told him to bring their sons in to say goodbye to their mother.

He brought them in then spent what was to be her final days with her in the hospital. He took a leave of absence from work and spent all his days at the hospital or taking care of his sons. She kept hanging on.

Eventually her situation started to improve. There was constant care but she was improving. The doctors put steel rods in her neck. He helped her when it was time to go home. He’s continued to spend time with her and care for their sons.

One night they had a long talk. She said that despite loving her sons, she’d always wanted a little girl. They agreed and set out to get her pregnant. Doing what you do.

She’s pregnant and it’s a little girl. Derek moves back in with her in 6 weeks. He quit his job and got another low maintenance job.

He said, “now I’m having nightmares about having a baby. A little girl! Will she be healthy? Will the delivery be too hard on my wife? I’m a complete mess.”

A complete mess? He’s changed his life drastically. He listened to the message that the universe offered him. He’s been given a second chance and he’s taking it.

What a great story and I’m so grateful that he told it to me.

SW

Depression and Isolation – Digging for Nuggets

Tuesday 20Feb07 5:27pm

In Wabi Sabi for Writers, Richard R. Powell discusses old world Japan when political leaders resided one year in their home province and one year in Edo and how the travel caused such improvements as roads and construction. Those improvements and movements of people led to the relaxation of class barriers and the flow of ideas, arts, crafts and books. “Literacy was officially encouraged, and in 1639 all foreign books were banned to encourage the reading and writing of Japanese… It was the start of sakoku, a period of cultural isolation. In a way it was a wabi time, a time of solitude and introspection. Sometimes isolation is a good thing, especially when it promotes reading, writing and exploration of what it means to be Japanese, or what it means to be you.”

For me the lines, ’sometimes isolation is a good thing, especially when it promotes… what it means to be you.’

Some how it brings me back to being diagnosed with depression back in 2002. Because I didn’t want to take anti depressants under any circumstances I had to find ways to get myself out of it. I figured that if it was my thinking that got me there, it would have to be my thinking that got me out. My biggest test was finding a way to trust the universe that everything would work out all right. In 2003, I took the year off working. I quit my full time job and kept my part time job of which I worked one or two shifts a week. I dipped and dipped into my savings until there were no more. I took writing classes at Ryerson and did the Humber School for Writers program at Humber College. I didn’t do as much writing as I hoped but I was plagued with looking for ways to change my thoughts. That really was a full time job.

I wouldn’t allow myself to worry about the money and somehow the money kept arriving from different sources just in time, every time. That will give you a lot of peace for sure. I kept remembering what a psychic told me years ago, “Stop worrying about money, you haven’t died a winter yet. ” So I trusted the universe and the universe rewarded me. It was good.

Through working on my thoughts I found that one of my frustrations was that many of my friends, who all knew that I was diagnosed with depression, were still burdening me with all their problems. I honestly didn’t know how to tell them that they needed to stop burdening me. I’d bring up the depression in conversation but somehow it didn’t sink in that their negativity could be feeding into my depression.

That year off was a God send and a real gift to myself to find myself. When every last cent was about to run out, I was offered a full time job on a year and a half contract and happily took it. I was ready to work again. I was grateful to work with the same people I’d worked with in the past. I was happy that the flow of money would continue. I was happy that for once I trusted the Universe.

With strong legs, I went back to work and joined society once again as a pseudo regular gal. I knew that I’d have to be mindful that I could fall back into depression and I continued my practice. I still wasn’t writing as much as I wanted to but I felt sure that at some point that would pick up.

From 2004 through to 2006, I started to get more focused on the other things that caused my depression. The biggest issue was feeling over burdened by other people’s troubles. I started telling people that I couldn’t be their go to person about every last detail. Some listened, some didn’t. Then I started becoming more protective of my time.

There’s a quote/ comment/ story on a Napoleon Hill tape that I love. It’s about a man who would only associate with winners because he knew that by doing so, he would elevate himself. He goes to eat at a sea food restaurant and orders a lobster. When he gets it, the waiter explains that this lobster got in a fight with another lobster and lost a claw in the battle. The man says, “give me the winner, I want the winner!”

I realized that the same was true about people’s attitudes. If I was surrounded by negative people who focused on their problems all the time I couldn’t expect to stay out of my depression for long. In 2005, I protected my time so much that I hardly hung out with anyone. By 2006, I was able to make the goal to make my writing a priority in my life. I stopped answering the phone if I was writing. I said no to any invitation that didn’t sound appealing to me. I isolated myself. This isolation, however, wasn’t the depressive type of isolation, it was my form of sakoku. I was discovering what it means to be me with out the outside chatter and distractions. In a big city, it’s next to impossible unless you find a way to simplify your life.

For 2007, (my new year starts March 1st) I’ve set a goal to build up to writing 21 hours a week. I haven’t reached it yet but it’s something to strive for. I’d like to write 1000 hours or more in one year. My social life is coming back into full swing with a difference, I leave early if I feel like it , I say no when I don’t feel like going, I don’t stay if I’m not having a good time and I refuse to be the constant sponge for everyone’s burdens. If people need help, I’m more than willing to help, but not every single time at every hour of the day. I also make sure to get some kind of writing done before or after I’ve been social.

It was the peace of my isolation that made me realize how I need a certain amount of time alone. I had to be away from people to appreciate being around people. I had to figure out what my personal boundaries were in order to know when others had stepped on them.

Somehow that Wabi Sabi entry helped me to crystallize what the last five years have meant to me and the work that I’ve done. I didn’t even realize at the time that I was doing work.

SW

Moment of Crisis

Thursday 5:27pm 15Feb07

I’m still on the high of the ordinary mystery and ordinary miracle partially because another couple (mysteries and miracles) were dropped in my lap by messenger rather than the cosmos whispering back at me. Sometimes I need the angelic messenger that takes over a human body for the minute to hand me the proof.

I realized today that there is often that point when you are going to give up, that moment of crisis, when you think that all is lost and why did you even bother in the first place. I’d reached that point at least a couple months ago. I’d resigned myself to the fact that this was never going to happen. Not meant to be. Shit, I wished I still didn’t want it. To save face, I wasn’t going to acknowledge that I ever wanted it. I admit to being big on saving face.

How do you portray the attitude of shrugged shouldered nonchalance? I somehow faked it. I had to admit that there were good things that I’d gained from this wish. I was going to reap the rewards of the good things and completely ignore the other. Maybe it was the relaxed manner that ultimately brought on the winds of change. That relaxed attitude that isn’t so focused on the outcome. I kept showing up so obviously somewhere something within me kept a smidgen of belief.

That smidgen has now been magnified ten fold at least. There is promise and excitement and giddyness and a whole whack of renewed patience. I’ve waited this long, I can wait a few hours more. The cosmos are going to tease me however, as they already have. They’ve been offering me grade b, c and d but I’ve told them I’ll wait for A. I’ve wanted A all along. B,C and D were only ever distractions to keep my mind off A.

My mind is on A with the assuredness that it’s already mine. Act as if I have it and I do. Believe it before I see it.

SW

Digging for Nuggets

Monday 12Feb07 8:50pm

Now I’m sitting here and I’ve hit my 3 hour daily writing goal for today so everything else I do is icing. I pulled out Wabi Sabi for writers (by Richard R. Powell) to read a little and dig for nuggets, either a good writing exercise (doing scales as I like to call it) or a phrase that hits me the right way and makes me want to write following that phrase where it will take me. The nugget was “Ordinary Mysteries”.

I had an ordinary mystery today. I wrote a vignette about the ordinary mystery as a piece of fiction, creating a character like me to live it. I thought it might be an entry for this blog but alas it is still too personal to share in the virtual space that anyone can come across.

It was about an intention and a subtle wish. I’ll take this for now but I really want this my thoughts whispered to the cosmos not thinking that they’d be listening. That’s the way it usually happens. That’s what they say to do in the Law of Attraction anyway. State what you want, decide that you will have it, then let it go and know that the universe will give it to you. It’s not easy to do. We always ask, “Why hasn’t it happened yet?” and we stop the magic in its tracks.

I didn’t worry about it today though because today wasn’t the day it was going to happen anyway. In the near future yes but not today. Why worry about the real wish until later on in the week even? I prepared for my intention with all the niceties that showed that I was ready to make it a reality. I arrived at the place like a woman paying her last layaway payment before she finally brings home the object she’s been saving weeks for. And there was a notice posted on the pole. Today of all days. They never have that class on Mondays. Or they never make that special on Mondays. Or some such hidden meaning that I can’t quite find the words to describe so that you kind of get it but don’t get it at all. ha ha

I did say it was too personal.

The surprise notice made me take notice, I’d barely whispered the thought and you heard? The surprise notice told me to forget about settling for second best, I have every right to manifest first best. Imagine something big that you want, now imagine something bigger. Go for the bigger. Grade B could be fun for the time being but I’ve waited so long for Grade A, why not wait a few hours longer especially when it’s already on it’s way?

Yes!
And the Ordinary Mystery brought me to the Ordinary Miracle.
It was all ordinary because it wasn’t a huge shift in any area but enough of a shift to make me keep the faith. Believe, trust and watch it show up.

SW

Earth, Wind & Fire

Sunday 2:58pm 11Feb07

I’ve been goofing off and procrastinating then remembered that they played Fantasy by Earth, Wind and Fire on the radio Friday morning. I thought how nice that they are playing something different when the old stand by is to play September.
I can’t pass an Earth, Wind and Fire song without singing it. Their music was my saviour in my childhood. It’s funny now as I look back at some of the titles of their albums that it makes sense that in my depressions I turn back to their music to make me feel better. Their albums were titled: Head to the Sky, Open our eyes, That’s the way of the world, gratitude, Spirit, Raise! How could I not help but find something positive from those titles.
I remember the first song I loved from E,W and F was “Where have all the flowers gone.”
I was in grade three in British Columbia and we used to have to sing that song in music class but boy the way Earth, Wind and Fire sang it. Oh and Philip Bailey’s voice. Who couldn’t love that falsetto? With each new album everything got better and truly it’s only now that I’m recalling the impact.
They made me want to sing and I spent some part of my day every single day of my teenage years singing at least one of their songs, learning the words, absorbing the meaning , developing some of the things that I would ultimately grow up and believe in.
With I’ll Write a Song for you… it was writing, my writing and what impact it could ultimately have. I wanted to write to inspire, because of that song. My brother used to make me sing that song in front of all of his friends.
“We have a magic box, in which is never locked and I’ll write a song for you, you’ll write a song for me, we’ll write a song of love…”

In Fantasy and Imagination, they reassured my troubled mind that it was okay to live part of my life as fantasy, to use my imagination to see what I could have before I had it. All victories begin in our fantasies. We fantasize about loving someone before it happens, we imagine our self in our chosen career before we do it. Deliberate creating, meditating so many things have to start first in your imagination.
” Every thought is a dream, rushing by in a stream, bringing life to the kingdom of doing… All your dreams will come true, right away … Come to see, victory, in a land called fantasy, loving light of new degree, bring your mind to everlasting liberty.”

Getaway told me that I could disappear in to my head when things got tough. Turn it into Something Good (my ultimate get me out of depression song) told me to take all the pain and sadness and turn it into something good, transform it. That’s energy work.
“You can’t hide forever, just decide to make it better, turn it into something good, remember you can choose, not to lose, find your groove and be a winner… Turn it into something good, remember you can hide or just decide to make it better.”

And Reasons just makes you wish you could sing.

And what they did with music that could make me listen for hours just trying to follow one instrument and listen again following another one. They are to music what Picasso was to art, for me anyway. That horn section alone was slamming!

Almost everything that I am interested in or passionate about can be traced back to their music. They were named after the elements used in Astrology but since air didn’t sound right they went with wind instead.
In the accompanying booklet for their The Eternal Dance box set here are some quotes:
By Alan Light written about Maurice White
“… the lyrics infectiously captured White’s buoyant positiveness.”
“Maurice White acknowledges that the musical evolution of Earth, Wind & Fire follows a logical, linear path — Jazz to r&b to funk to the technogrooves of Raise! and Powerlight — held together by African and Latin rhythms; ‘it all comes back to Africa, man. That’s where it all starts.’ Characteristically, though, he credits a higher power with the group’s progression and lengthy popularity. ‘None of this was planned,’ he says. ‘The universe played a part in the whole thing, obviously. We just took our cues from the universe and kept moving on.’”

and quotes written by David Nathan:
“The message in the music was clearly a reflection of White’s vision for the group” ‘From the very start, I had a commitment to be different in terms of music and what was projected on stage. Coming out of a period of social confusion in the seventies, I wanted EW&F to reflect the growing search for greater self-understanding , greater freedom from the restrictions we placed on ourselves in terms of our individual potential.’”
“EW&F’s mission (is) to communicate a philosophy of harmony and unity…”
“There were people who relied on us for the message: we had a responsibility to our community.”

That’s it, I relied on their positivity to get me through my days and nights and years. I’m still grateful.

SW

White Wishes

Writertopia.com

Alicia Rasley

Sunday 2:30pm 11Feb07
Yeah, I know I’ve been dead silent on this blog. Still haven’t got clear on what should happen here. I only set up this blog because my writing2live blog was going through her illness.
But I really do like this blog service the most of my three blogs so it’s time to make an effort.

I’ve been looking at Alicia Rasley’s writing articles again. She’s got some great stuff to get you to work on your stuff…
Check her out. Alicia’s Article Archive

SW